#1
civil and silent your heart starts racing out loud
my words are bullets and you're thorough kevlar
my eyes can't seem to recognize your hurtful designs but
that meaning's lost forever now


so tell it to me loud
shout it to me from crashing cars
our long lost love affair now
tell it to me loud
scream it from crashing cars.............


smile for the camera
send me all your prints
print the prince's name all around you
but you gotta swear he don't exist

baby-- your love frustrates me
take it in and take it all the way
love is not half assed
love is saying sorry
and swallowing
your pride
Last edited by Phoebus at Jun 25, 2007,
#2
civil and silent your heart starts racing out loud
my words are bullets and you're thorough kevlar
my eyes can't seem to recognize your hurtful designs but
that meaning's lost forever now
I like this opening a lot. It sets pace to the piece and there is something very appealing about it. The last line though, is seemed a bit awkwardly phrased. Perhaps rearrange the words.

so tell it to me loud
shout it to me from crashing cars
our long lost love affair now
tell it to me loud
scream it from crashing cars.............
I do really like the imagery both in the second and last line here. I think you could really expand on it. No other issues here. This is well written.

smile for the camera
send me all your prints
print the prince's name all around you
but you gotta swear he don't exist
Again, nice imagery you can really expand on, but I guess I can see the charm in leaving it as it is. "All around you", kindda came as strange, since it wasn't followed by detailing.

baby-- your love frustrates me
take it in and take it all the way
love is not half assed
love is saying sorry
and swallowing
your pride
This was a little too much of an obvious ending, in my opinion. You had such great imagery in the rest of this piece, that this was just... meh, in comparing to the rest.

This piece shows the great ideas you have when it comes to writing songs and writing in general. I think sometimes you fail to see that and thus leave some things underdeveloped, only because you can't see the true quality in them.
So I guess this is where I come in and tell you that you have only scratched the surface with this, but nevertheless, I've enjoyed every minute of reading.


Carmel
This is not a pipe
#4
Quote by Phoebus
civil and silent your heart starts racing out loud
my words are bullets and you're thorough kevlar
my eyes can't seem to recognize your hurtful designs but
that meaning's lost forever now

this is an interesting start. this could be a solid stanza, but i think the only thing bringing it down is the repetitive use of 'my words' then 'my eyes' in back to back stanzas with nothing bringing them together.


so tell it to me loud
shout it to me from crashing cars
our long lost love affair now
tell it to me loud
scream it from crashing cars.............

blah. i really dont like this. the scream it from the crashing cards has potential but the way this is put together seems a bit cliche.

smile for the camera
send me all your prints
print the prince's name all around you
but you gotta swear he don't exist

baby-- your love frustrates me
take it in and take it all the way
love is not half assed
love is saying sorry
and swallowing
your pride

i really like the last 2 stanzas. no complaints.


i dont like this as much as your usual stuff but its definitely a great start i think.
7/10

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=613965
if yuo have time
#5
I think the first stanza is perfect, but I do agree, second stanza isn't so good. It looks like you tried at a chorus, it's a very good start though. If anything you've outlined would could be a really killer chorus. Just keep working at it
I'm a big fan of the 3rd. The 4rth stanza is kind of a turn off..I say switch the 3rd and 4rth stanza. But that's just me.

Crit? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=614857
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