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#1
We've all had 'em, the drunken idiot who insists on shouting abuse at the band. Quite a lot of frontmen/women have a reserve of putdown lines just for these occasions.

What's your favourites?

Mine are;

I refuse to get into a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent!

Aw. I remember my first beer too.

Hey, I like doing my act the way you like having sex- alone.

There's an alcoholic who doesn't want to remain anonymous.

You shouldn't drink on an empty head

Now I know why some animals eat their young.

What holds your ears apart?

Do I come to your work & tell you how to sweep up?

Go and lean against the wall in the other room,... that's plastered too!

Was your mother a weightlifter? No? How did she manage to raise a dumbell like you then?

If I could find enough wood, I'd board your mouth up!

One of the funniest ones I ever saw was when I was playing in a band called the Three Amigos. This guy had started heckling us, so we heckled him back three times as bad as he heckled us. Eventualy he stood on his chair, in front of the stage, with his pants round his ankles, waving a big bare backside to us. It was all getting a bit out of hand so we carried on with the gig.
Later on, our drummer noticed him going to the toilet. He jumped from behind his kit, stopping us midsong, grabbed a spotlight, lit him up in the toilet doorway and said "While you're there mate, wipe your arse!"
#2
Nice!!

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#3
Wow. I don't think anyone will beat any of those
Quote by fukyu1980
LOL ! muther fuker i was gonna say that LOL!
#4
Quote by SlackerBabbath

Aw. I remember my first beer too.

Hey, I like doing my act the way you like having sex- alone.

Now I know why some animals eat their young.

Do I come to your work & tell you how to sweep up?



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#6
Tell the heckler to take a condom out that he's had in his wallet since he was 16, stretch it over his head and say "If you're gonna be a dickhead you may as well look the part"


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#9
Maybe all our band members should keep mini-spotlights on stage just for this purpose...

That's hilarious stuff man!
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#10
Jimmy Carr generally calls them a c*nt and then says

"I appologize for calling you that. I'm sure you're not a c*nt. You probably don't have the depth or capacity to give pleasure."


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#11
Quote by Ollie Led Zep
Tell the heckler to take a condom out that he's had in his wallet since he was 16, stretch it over his head and say "If you're gonna be a dickhead you may as well look the part"

Heh, that reminds me of another good 'un.
I organise a gig called Quazfest every August with about five or six bands and visual acts like jugglers ect, between the bands.
Last year we had this guy who was doing a balloon act, y'know, making animals and stuff out of them, but instead of the usual 'sausage dog, giraffe' kinda stuff, it was more like 'rabbit on a Harley Davidson'.....and you could tell it was a Harley Davidson!!
Anyway, he walked on stage, blew up his first balloon and was immediately heckled. He walked straight up to the heckler, made a few twists on the balloon to make a kind of a hat and then placed it on the guy's head. It made him look like he had a huge **** and two bollocks growing out of his forehead. The entire room was laughing at the heckler, who tried to laugh along with it but you could see he was embarassed. He was cirtainly very quiet after that. One of the most effective putdowns I've ever seen, and not a single word was said.
#12
I like the one from Pete Kay's "Phoenix Nights" show when Jerry Sinclair is being heckled onstage, he says to the heckler:

"I can't believe it. A hundred million sperm...and YOU were the quickest!"
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#13
Quote by fancy_a_cuppa
'are you possessed... by a tw*t?'


Mighty Boosh! That bit's so funny...


There's a clip of Radiohead on YouTube, Thom Yorke's doing a solo song on piano, and this guy keeps shouting, and Thom just goes 'Shut up, you c*nt', then carries on playing.
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#15
"hey: How horny was he?"

him- "who?"

You- "Your dad, when he boned your gargoyle mother"

That's an original


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#16
awesome stufff, dude. I'll keep those in mind.
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#17
Quote by woodenbandman



"You're the load your momma should have swallowed.



That one's goin' in my little black book of putdown lines!
Y'see, that's what this thread is for, it's a database for all these cool lines that you wouldn't necessarily think of at the spur of the moment.
All one has to do is visit this thread, write a few of your favourite lines down and put them next to your set list on stage. Anyone starts giving you a hard time, you just glance down then BAM! Let them have it right between the eyes.

What's the worst putdown that everyone's seen? The one that just didn't work. Personaly the worst one I saw was when this guy said 'If you think you can do better, come on up and have a go!' just before three extremely talented musicians got up out of the audience and completely blew the band away for about 20 minutes.
The audience booed when the band went back on.
Last edited by SlackerBabbath at Jun 27, 2007,
#18
i can't remember which band it was that said this but there was a heckler during there performance and the singer just stood up and said "look, i know the people here haven't paid to see us play, but they definately haven't paid to hear a **** like you talk"
#19
Quote by SlackerBabbath
Was your mother a weightlifter? No? How did she manage to raise a dumbell like you then?


Epic.

My personal favorite: "I have a feeling that if brains were bricks, you'd be homeless."
Is it a bad thing if one of your testicles is larger then the other two?
#20
Band: So are you guys enjoying yourselves?
Guy: F**K NO!!!
Band: O RLY? And why is that?
Guy: ITS CAUSE YOU SUCK! THATS WHY!
Band: I see. How would you do this better?
Guy: ID PLAY SOME F**KING PANTERA!!!!

One of the funniest shows ever...

CaptEdit: I know that's not really a put down to a Heckler... But That involved one and was absolutely hilarious.
Last edited by Captian Xero at Jun 27, 2007,
#21
Quallity.


My favourite is simple yet effective:

'Isn't it a shame when cousins marry and reproduce?'
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#22
A local comedian had a good one.. might be relevant if you're fat.

'Yeah, very clever mate. See people only have to look at me to know I'm fat, you have to open your mouth before they know you're a cunt.'
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#23
Quote by SlackerBabbath

That one's goin' in my little black book of putdown lines!
Y'see, that's what this thread is for, it's a database for all these cool lines that you wouldn't necessarily think of at the spur of the moment.
All one has to do is visit this thread, write a few of your favourite lines down and put them next to your set list on stage. Anyone starts giving you a hard time, you just glance down then BAM! Let them have it right between the eyes.

What's the worst putdown that everyone's seen? The one that just didn't work. Personaly the worst one I saw was when this guy said 'If you think you can do better, come on up and have a go!' just before three extremely talented musicians got up out of the audience and completely blew the band away for about 20 minutes.
The audience booed when the band went back on.

Lol i made a thread about what you would do if you'd show up a band on stage, it didnt go down well

I thought this why a guitar website but show your hatefulness about fall out boy BANG "ohoohh you're cool NOT! LOL" jesus christ do they know who they're defending?
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#24
When I saw Megadeth a few weeks ago...
"Yea? Well, shut up, f*ckwad. I have more hair than you. Everyone here has more hair than you".
Which of course, only works if the heckler is bald.
#26
Quote by Shredlet

I thought this why a guitar website but show your hatefulness about fall out boy BANG "ohoohh you're cool NOT! LOL" jesus christ do they know who they're defending?


Heh heh, the last time I heard a heckler make as little sense as that, I asked him where he came from. He pointed upwards and groaned 'The balcony!'


Quote by MightyAl
When I saw Megadeth a few weeks ago...
"Yea? Well, shut up, f*ckwad. I have more hair than you. Everyone here has more hair than you".
Which of course, only works if the heckler is bald.

I saw Dave Lee Roth do a good one when Van Halen played Donington. Someone threw a bottle of piss at him, and he stopped the band dead halfway though a song and said 'Listen buddy, I know who threw that bottle and I don't give a damn because when this gig's over, I'm gonna f**k your girlfriend!'
Which of course only works if the heckler has a girlfriend.
Last edited by SlackerBabbath at Jun 28, 2007,
#27
Quote by Shredlet
Lol i made a thread about what you would do if you'd show up a band on stage, it didnt go down well

I thought this why a guitar website but show your hatefulness about fall out boy BANG "ohoohh you're cool NOT! LOL" jesus christ do they know who they're defending?

That gives me an idea for an awesome put-down
"I bet you like Fall Out Boy".
#28
Quote by MightyAl
That gives me an idea for an awesome put-down
"I bet you like Fall Out Boy".


This is literally the first thing i've ever posted on UG, and I'm almost positive I'm gunna get a "Fail" but I just had to say LOL@ that. That is a good put down.
Unfortunatly, the reply I can imagin getting from the majority of the girls at my school is "0mGz, Y3aH!!!!11!!ONE!! p3t3 W3nTz ii$ tTly tHa $3X"
*sighs*
#30
funniest ive seen was said by thom yorke.This guy was hecklin him for ages and he just worked the line "shut up you c#nt" in his song. Didn't even change his style of his voice just kept wailing haha.
#32
Quote by t3gan
This is literally the first thing i've ever posted on UG, and I'm almost positive I'm gunna get a "Fail" but I just had to say LOL@ that. That is a good put down.
Unfortunatly, the reply I can imagin getting from the majority of the girls at my school is "0mGz, Y3aH!!!!11!!ONE!! p3t3 W3nTz ii$ tTly tHa $3X"
*sighs*


FAIL


lol j/k. Yeah that's true. You have to be careful with that one depending on what kind of crowd you're playing to.

No one's ever really heckled my band except after this one show. We played 2 Rage covers at a bar and this one guy got really into it and then he just wanted nothing but Rage covers from then on. Ofcourse we just went on and finished playing our own stuff. Afterwords he came up to me already drunk and said:

"The Rage covers were nice, but I would have kept them coming man. Why don't you hand me the bass, it must be fun to be in a half ass cover band!"

to which I responded:

"Nah I just put my bass away, but yeah it is fun, it sure beats getting drunk at a bar and hitting on ugly bitches"

The "ugly bitch" he was talking to all night ended up being his girlfriend so he tried to step up to me... and got tossed out because we play that pub regularly
No one knows what it's like... to be a dustbin... in Shaftesbury... with hooligans...
#33
The best I heard (didnt actually hear it, I was told of it by a friend) was at a Ross Noble gig. Someone out of the audience shouted "Hey Ross, why are you so fat?", and to this Ross replied "Because everytime I have sex with your mother, she gives me a biscuit". That one cracks me up
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#35
Quote by Jaxoo
The best I heard (didnt actually hear it, I was told of it by a friend) was at a Ross Noble gig. Someone out of the audience shouted "Hey Ross, why are you so fat?", and to this Ross replied "Because everytime I have sex with your mother, she gives me a biscuit". That one cracks me up



and someone find that thom yorke video, i wanna see it!
I will fuc
#36
Quote by Jaxoo
The best I heard (didnt actually hear it, I was told of it by a friend) was at a Ross Noble gig. Someone out of the audience shouted "Hey Ross, why are you so fat?", and to this Ross replied "Because everytime I have sex with your mother, she gives me a biscuit". That one cracks me up




I once saw Bernard Manning (British comedian, recently died) get his arse handed to him by a heckler.
This huge guy near the stage stood up during Bernard's performance and walked away from him. Bernard said 'Hey, where the f**k are you going fatty?' and the guy turned around and said 'Just to the bar until the comedian comes on!' Bernard was speachless and got a lot of stick from the audience for a good 5 minutes.
He got him back later though when he saw him with his girlfriend who was quite small. He said 'Hey fatty....is that your lunch?'
#37
Quote by saintjimmy99


and someone find that thom yorke video, i wanna see it!



The person who posted that over-exaggerated a lot. He did not sing the line. He just casually said "shut up ****".

http://youtube.com/watch?v=kDT70X31T2c [/real bad quality.]
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#39
Maybe you could say to the heckler "Hey dude is that your girlfriend?" and point out to a random women in the crowd and when the whole crowd looks (including him) you swing your axe into his head and say "Cause she dumped you!"
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