#1
So this was my first poem, which I now want to make a song from.
What do u think, regarding that it is my first one?
Please crit, but not too hard.

Empty

Am I dreaming or am I awake?
I don’t know, I need a break.
Darkness spreads troughout my head.
I’m feeling empty.

The feeling of being alone grows,
As seconds, minutes, hours goes.
I watch myself getting desperate,
Captured by my own fate.
I’m feeling empty.

I try to catch clear thoughts,
But there’s a black cloud inside my soul.
How did I get in here? I don’t know!
Why did I get in here? I don’t know!
Why me? I don’t know!
I’m feeling empty.

I keep questioning myself: What am I gotta do?
I keep asking myself: Am I able to escape my pain?
And fill again with life my veins?
I feel I’m drowning In the sea of thoughts.
I’m feeling empty.

Again and again I try to wake up.
Not able to realize what I have done.
Swearing myself not to do this again,
By feeling the pain.

That’s enough.
Wake up!
Wake up!
Wake up!
But this isn’t just a bad dream.
It’s pure reality.
Borders? I've never seen them. But I heard that they exist in the heads of most people. (Thor Heyerdahl)
#2
I think it's good, really good for being your first one. At does have a little bit of a flow issue in parts, but other than that i like it, keep it up!
"Penis"
"That's right kids, I said penis"
:stickpoke
98% of teens have been around or have had alcohol. Put this in your sig if you like bagels.
#3
I thought at first there was a rhyme scheme but further in the poem you break out of it, so it seems like a lot of the rhyming is forced and awkward. You don't have to rhyme to create a poem Places I thought should be reworked include:

The feeling of being alone grows,
As seconds, minutes, hours goes


It doesn't make too much sense. Other than that, everything was decent, but I also didn't like the last line contrasting dream/reality, it's very overdone, and I'm sure you could find a more creative comparison. But it was good for your first poem, please keep writing, you'll only get better
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
#4
I agree with the above comment, where what you've done with the ryhming seems forced.

And right away, these two things jumped out at me,
As seconds, minutes, hours goes. - Grammatically incorrect. May I suggest something like, a hour goes, or hours go?

What am I gotta do? - Once again, just the grammar in it.

Other than those few things, I enjoyed it. Good work.
i look down at my hands,
like they were mirrors.
Last edited by ENIGMATIC. at Jun 26, 2007,