#1
crit4crit

A DARKER SHADE OF BLUE

It's already killing you
This demon that you've become
So baby this ain't murder
No, it's mercy and tough love

I told God He has no mercy
The night you were locked away
When you returned from the abyss
I cursed Him for opening the cage

I swear I love you
I know you love me too
So let's paint this house
A darker shade of blue

He must've died some time ago
I refuse to believe you're him
All you are is a devil
That slipped inside of his skin

I don't know who this monster is
Where is the baby that I loved?
Why did you leave your childhood?
I wish that you never grew up

I swear I love you
I know you love me too
So let's paint this house
A darker shade of blue

You're like an angel
When you are asleep
I fluff your pillow
And tuck you in the sheets
I hug and kiss you good night
Forgetting all your sins
As I turn off the lights
Last edited by themarsvolta at Sep 4, 2009,
#2
When I read the first two line, I honestly was like, oh god this isn't going to be good. But it was actually a very good song. "The toy gun - shoot you in the head" part was the only part that I didn't like. The rest is really, really solid. Simple, effective, and pretty smooth. Good job.

The line at the end of this verse seems to really push the meter, but it could be ok depending on the song's style.
v--v

I told God He has no mercy
The night you were locked away
When you returned from the abyss
I cursed Him for opening the cage


Keep 'em coming...

could you crit my poem "curl up and die"?
#3
nice. I like it, it's like a mixture of love and hate all for the same person. It's really cool.
"Penis"
"That's right kids, I said penis"
:stickpoke
98% of teens have been around or have had alcohol. Put this in your sig if you like bagels.
#4
first off, very appropriate title! you'd think the title isn't a big deal but so many people give their songs/poems titles that don't fit and it ruins the son a litte -___-
actually i liked the first two lines, but idk were you going for funny? =/

the second verse was very good, the last two lines hit the spot

i liked the chorus because it was unexpected "i swear i love you" wow i expected an emotion very different

thrid verse continues the idea very well, i liked it because although you used a metaphor, it was clear anyway

"i don't [know] who this monster is" (i'm guessing leaving out the who was a typo, you meant to put it there, right?)

one thought, though. at first you wanna shoot him, the next second you're tucking him in.. i find it hard to believe.

seriously, this is one of the better songs out there.. it was so clear, even with all the figurative-ness.. the emotion is there, you've got no problem with expressing it. all the conflict; you hate the sins and love the sinner because he's your son.. wow. very interesting idea and provokes the thought that even if a friend or relative went psycho and did so many atrocious things.. would you still love them?
anyways the song is excellent overall

(my song's in the sig =D)
House: according to the philosophy of Jagger,
"you can't always get what you want"
cuddy: i looked up jagger. apparently
"if you try, you might just find, you get what you need"
huddy x]


Stalker.. much?
or
Runners High/Under the Sky
Last edited by oImJustHere at Jun 26, 2007,
#5
yo its been a while since i've been around. but nice piece. at first i was a little shocked by the straightforwardness but it all goes together very well. towards the end of the second stanza the flow gets a little off. the fourth stanza was my favorite of all. It was just really cool in my mind. The whole piece just gives me a real cool image in my head. I especially enjoyed it. I dont have any new pieces but ill hit up first thing when i do. ppeace