#1
Felt like writing, should be long so be prepared. Pleez crit it means alot. thanx

Verse 1
Leave a whisper upon my memory, and escape this world with haste.
I know you'll be safer, I know you'll be there.
Deep inside the temple underneath the clouds of crocodile tears - thats where i will be, thinking up my next masterpeice that only the spirits shall hear.

Chorus
Waiting for me beneath the trees, sitting on the bridge.
Reflections of Lost Memories only allow such a scene.
I only remember her voice, a sweet flowing melody.
Her song was clearer than the holy waters that flowed under us in the stream,
For I had had never knew such a peace within me before i awoke from the dream.
For Reflections of Lost Memories only allow such a scene.

Verse 2
Like a fading paiting on the wall, my spirit slowly washing away.
I know I’m scared, I know I’ll be there.
Locked inside this fortress beneath the veil of forgotten years - thats where I will be, dreaming of my last masterpeice that only the heavens shall hear.

Chorus
Waiting for me beneath the trees, sitting on the bridge.
Reflections of Lost Memories only allow such a scene.
I only remember her voice, a sweet flowing melody.
Her song was clearer than the holy waters that flowed under us in the stream,
For I had had never knew such a peace within me before i awoke from the dream.
For Reflections of Lost Memories only allow such a scene.

Bridge Part 1
Walking in silence towards the bridge, I was finnaly facing my eternal fear.
“To revisit the site of the most crushing pain any soul could bare...” I thought,
“...must only bring back memories that one would surely want to dissapear.”

Instrumental Break

Bridge Part 2
When I finally arrived at the bridge, I felt a prescence floating in the air.
I thought I heard her whispering her sacred lullaby into my ear.
Such a sweet melody would surely make any king cry,
But much less undeserving of this gift is one such as I.
That was until I realized I had been living my life through anothers eyes.

Chorus
Waiting for me beneath the trees, sitting on the bridge.
Reflections of Lost Memories only allow such a scene.
I only remember her voice, a sweet flowing melody.
Her song was clearer than the holy waters that flowed under us in the stream,
For I had had never knew such a peace within me before i awoke from the dream.
For Reflections of Lost Memories only allow such a scene.

End
Thanx
Phew....... boy that was long... i might change the end bit, some pepl might be too stupid to realize what it means.
#3
well you crit mine so i crit yours.....

Well dude (i think)...It's a deep song...I'm more into more agressive,oposittion, governemental or happy thing (i'm a HUGE MEGADETH,LED ZEPPELIN,JUDAS PREIST,SLAYER and RED HOT fan...this was to explain all of my lyrical styles...)

But that's a cool deep poem....very cool indeed!!....

Im not imagining me listening to it 'cause it probably would sound emo what I don't apreciatte very much (has you may notice by the bands stated up there ^ ...)

Well...It's a long crit...But the poem is cool...

Keep writing...

Cheers,
#4
haha thanx, it wont sound emo though, i promise that, i do like a mixture of black metal/ folk metal / gothic metal / melodic death metal - i'm very diverse - sorta like opeth, dream theater, and dimmu borgir shoved in one
#5
In stanza 2 it begins with art as the basis, yet it ends with hear. While music is an art-form it isn't what you intended, I'd be inclined to say "see" instead.

Overall the story aspect was great. The progressions within each stanza were perfect and the wording itself is pretty good too. My only advice would be to try and keep the lines as succinct as possible. It is sometimes possible to over word a stanza, thinning the meaning, while you remain on the cuff here, at times I felt it could be culled slightly so that the lines weren't so long.

Still, nice piece.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#6
no offense but the 3rd line of the 1st verse seems a little to long to fit although i think that it is a really good song
#7
i like it, but a few places seem a little wordy, or like there are too many syllables. i was specifically thinking of the last 3 lines of the chorus.

i really like the overall feel of the narrative, especially part 2 of the bridge.