#1
Can't tell if I like this or not. It has a multi-linear narrative and I'm not sure it works.


The Amaranth.

Fourteen crows cower under the cover
of leaves; in rain, sleet or snow -
It's just a matter of dissension.
They all sit steady on an appendage
of slight declension, considering
they're battered by a Mercurial breeze
and tired of taking to the form
of in-extremis trees.


I've tightly sat and stained these circumspect walls
for far too long -
Questioning the semantics of shadow-palls
draping a misaligned eye,
with regards to pry the axis of Earth
by one degree -
so as to define a line of judgment
that ceases to be of any worth to me.

Thirteen crows minus one
eye the ground below; the
theories they conceived
consume everything
but noting any neglect for their
forgotten fellow...


Within these spurious walls I have become
an intonation -
Impairing the significs with a palling shade,
casting a maligned eye over
latitudes caught at the Meridian hour.
One minute left -
to ply the tides with maudlin whispers
that cease to be of any rest to me.

Its breath idly inconsistent in the
cross-hair. "We'll miss you
son." "But Mum? its just
a crow."


And I, have obliged,
here and now
to upturn every stone in order
to find out who I really was -
Then and now.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#3
wow...VERY good vocabulary
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#5
its interesting, i liked the idea altho i didnt think it was as good as the first three thought it was. its still probly better than anything id write but i dont think its your best peice
#6
Fourteen crows cower under the cover
of leaves; in rain, sleet or snow -
It's just a matter of dissension.
They all sit steady on an appendage
of slight declension, considering
they're battered by a Mercurial breeze
and tired of taking to the form
of in-extremis trees.

Very good description and vocabulary. In general, so far it's smartly written

I've tightly sat and stained these circumspect walls
for far too long -
Questioning the semantics of shadow-palls
draping a misaligned eye,
with regards to pry the axis of Earth
by one degree -
so as to define a line of judgment
that ceases to be of any worth to me.

This kinda lost me and I had to read it a few times but it was because I couldn't understand the words. If you're gonna go big, that's a good thing

Thirteen crows minus one
eye the ground below; the
theories they conceived
consume everything
but noting any neglect for their
forgotten fellow...

I like how you add personification to the crows. Making them seem like they have thier own personality

Within these spurious walls I have become
an intonation -
Impairing the significs with a palling shade,
casting a maligned eye over
latitudes caught at the Meridian hour.
One minute left -
to ply the tides with maudlin whispers
that cease to be of any rest to me.

You just love big words don't you?

Its breath idly inconsistent in the
cross-hair. "We'll miss you
son." "But Mum? its just
a crow."

Adding the crows to the other part of the piece was a good thing. Same with adding dialouge

And I, have obliged,
here and now
to upturn every stone in order
to find out who I really was -
Then and now.

The part about finding out who you really are is kinda like it would leave the reader in suspense. This was a strong ending


This was kinda confusing but thats ok. It just made me read it more.
Ya never cease to amaze me, Steve. C4C when you get the chance?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=616946
Last edited by Twist of fate at Jun 28, 2007,
#7
I liked this. I noticed more rhyming in this than in your average piece, it worked well though.

Only thing I'll mention is in regards to the wording in the first line of the third stanza. How it reads now, it sounds as if there are only twelve crows left after that point ("thirteen... minus one"), but the rest of the piece implies that there is only one crow missing from the original fourteen. So maybe that line could be reworded somehow to make it more clear that only one crow is missing.

I know thats getting kind of picky, but I didn't really notice anything else.

Nice work.
#8
i think i understood two words in that thing, jk. You have great vocab. It definitely should be a song, a narrative is wasting the quality of the writing.
Crit4crit. Where Have You Been
Last edited by boywonder329 at Jun 26, 2007,
#9
I love the references to astronomy, it makes the piece really interesting to me in particular because I write a lot about similar things That said, I thought I had a good vocabulary but I still can't figure this out even with a dictionary beside me But oh well, it's fluid and beautiful, I like it a lot despite its wordiness (even though I know you like your words )
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
#10
Quote by boywonder329
It definitely should be a song, a narrative is wasting the quality of the writing.


That dont make no sense at all


...

At first I thought this was just an average piece (from you), but it grew on me the second read. I agree with Steve N*2 (how do you do that "degree" symbol thing??) about the crow thing but it almost adds to the mystery in a way... and the rhyming was quite noticeable as well- in a good way

The ideas between the two scenes were hard to connect for me at first but it feels right nonetheless. The word fellow bothered me in the third for some reason also. It almost seems too coloquial for that stanza and it trailed off for me. Why? I don't know, probably personal so, ignore.

Overall, a phenomanal piece of work.
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#11
haha.
your diction is always perfect and never over the top.
this is one of my favorites from you.
thats all i really have to say, 9.5/10
#12
I forgot how awesome the old wanker Steve can be. I rarely do more than just skim over an occasional piece these days, but I read this several times. I don't think I fully understand, and I still really enjoy it.
-Landon
#13
Well good. Like a couple have said im not sure if i understand every word of it but I thought this was class and i really enjoyed it after i'd read it a few times. Don't usually see much on here that i like but this is an exception.
Don't feel in a position to crit fully something that i would never be able to write and can't see any faults with it that stand out straight away. Good work
Crit mine if you have time? called 'lost in time', cheers
#14
Wow! Thanks everyone, I was really apprehensive of this one.

Crits being returned now!
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#15
Nice i agree with pucci6d6, make this into a song as soon as possible. Also very nice use of words.. I wish i could write.. :P
#16
Well I think your ideas a good nothing wrong there and the words you have chosen a pretty much perfect as well, however I feel that these two narratives of yours are realy not linked in the slightest apart from that loose[ish] idea of reflecting upon things.

I may not be reading deeply enough but It just felt as if the last stanza was just an add on, if you understand what I mean

I can't really tell whether it works that well in that sense but as it stands, this is an excellent piece regardless.

Thanks for the crit
Last edited by Of_Wolves at Aug 9, 2007,