#1
Well, the is my second piece that I have written. I know it needs alot of work, so all help is welcomed.


Fallen Hero

He used to fight
For the little guy
Who couldn’t fight for himself
The women, children, the elderly
Were all under his care
He was my idol
My hero
My beloved
If only he didn’t change
Now
He’s a fallen hero
He doesn’t care anymore
For the people who care about him
He doesn’t protect them
He lets them suffer
He’s been corrupted
Torn apart by self-pity
There’s no hope left
For either of us
He’s a fallen hero
Hero
He’s a fallen hero
Hero
He’s a fallen hero
Hero
He’s a fallen hero
A fallen hero
Last edited by jwizzle5786 at Jun 27, 2007,
#2
Pretty Good I like how it tells a story while it goes along without being to wordy.. it also seems like it has a good rythm/melody to it overall good job!
#4
Fallen Hero

He used to fight
For the little guy
Who couldn’t fight for himself
The women, children, the elderly
Were all under his care
He was my idol
My hero
My beloved
If only he didn’t change
Now
He’s a fallen hero
He doesn’t care anymore
About the people who care about him *i would change about to for?*
He doesn’t protect them
Lets them suffer
He’s been corrupted
Torn apart by self-pity
There’s no hope left
For either of us
He’s a fallen hero
Hero
He’s a fallen hero
Hero
He’s a fallen hero
Hero
He’s a fallen hero
A fallen hero


other than that one word, this is a pretty kick a** peice. keep it up man!
i love how everything flows naturally, and it concise. yet gets your point across.

if you have time, crit mine? its in my sig.
#5
Thanks dude. Ill crit yours. I agree with the about. It doesnt work for me either, for sounds so much better.
#6
It's a good sad story you got there. I think where it says "He doesn't prtect them/Let's them suffer" you should put he infront of let's them suffer. Last night I was watching dog the bounty hunter and they were cathing this guy who was a legendary surfer who became a heroine addict. It reminded me of that. Get around ot mine if you can it's in my sig.