#1
I found a load of photos in my loft this morning, dunno who they are of but they look as though they were taken ages ago. A few of these were of a couple and it showed them from a young age right up to when they were old. Made me think how little we know of past generations in our families and how different there world looked to ours. This is probs a bit sketchy as i did it in the last 30mins of my I.T lesson crit for crit, x

Looking at the photos in black and white
The people shown never thought they'd die
I see you in me as i have your eyes
But all else about you has been lost in time

I could see you loved her
And she felt the same way
You wanted her close
For every hour of the day.
Blind to time that was flying by
your age increased
each time the sun light the sky
Till the time came when your children played
In the fields and Streams where you'd spent your days
And you watched from your chair, with your greying hair
wondering where the time went.

Faces and names are soon forgot
all you worked for has been lost
Those you slaved for
Those you cared for
Those you loved
Those you died for
will all share your place at the end of lifes race
To give way for the new world.

Now i see my picture in colour
The one of me sitting next to my brother
What will they think of me
When this is all they see
To prove that i once walked here
#2
Looking at the photos in black and white
The people shown never thought they'd die
I see you in me as i have your eyes
But all else about you has been lost in time

tbh I think the second line is stupid, sorry to be so frank with you. But everybody knows they will die it's just a question of when. So I'd try and refer to that instead. I liked this opening, and the fact you can write about your everyday life. I can't help but feel as though this needs some punctuation though. A facet of poetry is abusing this - and making the reader read the piece as you want. Lots of punctuation slows the reader, thus creating a sombre tone, less allows the reader to speed through it achieving a more upbeat feel - while in this stanza there's not many options, latter in the piece it needs it. It needs a comma in L3 after I see you in me, as I....

I could see that you loved her
And she felt the same way
You wanted her close
For every hour of the day.
Blind to the time that was flying by
asyour age increased
each time the sun light the sky
Should be lit instead of light
Till the time came when your children played
In the fields and Streams where you'd spent your days
This part could be edited better, the lines are slightly too long, and the line breaks really made this read awkwardly
And you watched from your chair, with your greying hair
It should be 'graying' - grey refers to the name of someone.
wondering where the time went.

This stanza really feels like it the flow is choppy in places. The bold parts are words that I felt were missing, and including them would aid this.

Faces and names are soon forgot
Should be forgotten
and all that you worked for has been lost
Those you slaved for
Those you cared for
Those you loved
Those you died for
will all share your place at the end of lifes race
I didn't like your place, 'a place' would sound far better.
To give way for the new world.

Now i see my picture in colour
The one of me sitting next to my brother
What will they think of me
When this is all they see
To prove that i once walked here

Nice ending. The whole piece needs an overhaul adding punctuation though. Despite me being picky I did enjoy this, the meaning was there, and the narrative was strong enough to carry the reader till the end. It just needs the finishing touches.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#3
Wow. Beautiful, leaves you with a thought hanging. I really, really liked this. I was going to critique a few mechanical things, but The Hurt Within already got to them. ^^

With some grammatical tweaking, this song/poem... wow. It's absolutely lovely. Very nice imagery. *big thumbs up*
#4
this piece of writing has an amazingly powerful but very subtle retrospective feel to it. simply reading it makes my mind wander an reminisce . and dont feel pressured to change the wording to be grammaticly correct. thats one of the wonderful things about prose.

the only thing i would change is the second to the last line in the second stanza

"And you watched from your chair, with your greying hair" i just dont think this fits with the rest of it. to me it sticks out, and makes me think more along the lines of out-dated than retrospective.

all in all 9.5/10 very well done, especialy considering the time it took.
I have a box full of voices, but they all sound the same.
#5
I would give it a 8.9/10 cause it was a very great image in the song and just a great idea