#1
Ok, this is the first poem I've posted so far, and I have a feeling I'm gonna need alot of help with it. . . Anyway, any crits will be appreciated, but don't be too mean. Thx ppl! Crit 4 Crit


The sun is setting
another day ending
one more mark on my wall
in the house of horrors

My sanity slips down another notch
but it no longer concerns me
it's part of the routine
in the house of horrors

The nightmares start forming
as darkness surrounds me
consuming my soul
in the house of horrors

The walls seem to inch closer
with each passing minute
I am forever imprisoned
in the house of horrors

No sound is heard but my faint screams
no longer able to get myself out
I cower in darkness waiting for light
in the house of horrors

I fade into shadows
my existence barely known
not even worthy of a passing glance, I fade away
in the house of horrors


That's all I have, and I someday hope to add onto it, maybe even make it into a song. Anyways, thx for reading!
"Penis"
"That's right kids, I said penis"
:stickpoke
98% of teens have been around or have had alcohol. Put this in your sig if you like bagels.
#2
the third stanza is where it gets interesting and i love the idea and how it all ends up the house of horror but it the things i did not like was the first two stanzas cause they were just plain but the rest of the song was cool and great
#3
I like you so far, so I will try not to be harsh. Though my crits aren't worth much, I'm only fourteen.

The sun is setting
another day ending
one more mark on my wall
in the house of horrors
This is good, but it's not really powerful enough for a good opening. You have to find something that will grasp the reader from the start

My sanity slips down another notch
but it no longer concerns me
it's part of the routine
in the house of horrors
I see you lack punctuation, you should add some, other than that, this was quite good.
The nightmares start forming
as darkness surrounds me
consuming my soul
in the house of horrors
[BThe third line is a slight bit cliché. The concept of a soul being consumed has been overdone. Look for something different for that line
The walls seem to inch closer
with each passing minute
I am forever imprisoned
in the house of horrors
This is good, I have no issues with it.
No sound is heard but my faint screams--screams aren't generally faint. See what I mean?
no longer able to get myself out
I cower in darkness waiting for light
in the house of horrors
The rest of this is good, no problem really, maybe a bit monotonous, but still good.
I fade into shadows--same as consuming a soul, it's slightly cliché
my existence barely known
not even worthy of a passing glance, I fade away
in the house of horrors

This was good for a first poem. It's your first right? There are two main problems I see. The lack of punctuaition kills the flow a bit and it can become confusing to read. Another problem was that this was a bit to monotonous. "In the house of horrors" isn't a very powerful line, so it's repetition didn't really add to this. I know what you were going for and it was a great idea, but it didn't quite work. The theme of this was obvious, which is no problem, but you seemed to try to make it really clear. Try and be a bit more misterious. In a song it is ok to repeat stuff and make it really obvious because that's what the reader wants. In poems you have to let the reader draw his own conclusions.

This was still quite good, better than some of the stuff that new people post. (my first posts a few months ago were really ****ty). Keep it up.

Kyrl.
#4
This is a relatively simple poem and there's a really good build up with each stanza. It keeps getting deeper and deeper i like that. the repetition in the last line is good but watch out when you use repitition it doesn't always work. good job. try to get around to mine if you can it's in my sig.
#5
Thanks guys for the crits! I'm gonna start working on it again, cause i kno the first stanza or two aren't that good. I'll get to ur stuff as soon as i can.
"Penis"
"That's right kids, I said penis"
:stickpoke
98% of teens have been around or have had alcohol. Put this in your sig if you like bagels.
#6
That was pretty darn good Emo Cookie. Well written! The only thing that sketches me out, would be after the first three stanzas the syllable count grows except for the last line of each stanza. So every line grows in size, except for the last line. I would add onto the last line of those stanzas except, except, for the very last stanza of the piece. That hopefully makes sense, and hopefully its not a completely stupid idea.
I love how you end each stanza with 'in the house of horrors' it reminds me of a few poems i have written.
Thanks for all the crits. This is a return lol. If you wanna check out my piece that is similar to this, check it out.
#7
actually, that's a pretty good idea Messiah. I think I'll give it a try.
"Penis"
"That's right kids, I said penis"
:stickpoke
98% of teens have been around or have had alcohol. Put this in your sig if you like bagels.
#9
I'll try re arranging them as soon as i can. Thanks for the crits guys!
"Penis"
"That's right kids, I said penis"
:stickpoke
98% of teens have been around or have had alcohol. Put this in your sig if you like bagels.
#10
I really liked this piece quite a bit. It flows really well, but I have a few things to say.

1. Punctuation would've helped, as pointed out before.

2. Again, as pointed out before, "in the house of horrors" isn't a very strong line, so the repetition isn't as powerful as it could've been had it been a stronger line.

3. "no longer able to get myself out." This line doesn't flow too well in my opinion. I'm not really sure how you could change it, but it is pretty much the only thing that bothered me for the entire thing.

Overall I really liked it though.

Thanks for critiquing my piece!