#1
this is my first post, and this song is incomplete. i started it today (and i'm sorry about the lack of capitalisation but my keyboard is being weird and evil so i can't use caps lock)

the world has woken up again,
open your eyes,
call their bluff again
it's always about a girl,
it's always about a boy
but it's really about,
incompletion in yourself

bending backwards again,
for ideals you never thought of
why do you offer yourself
at the alters of gods
too human to save?

chorus: (this is a very rough draft)
so you think he's playing your life
for amusement
on his throne, spitting acid,
because you're useless


and that's it. the chorus is incomplete and will probably be very different when the song is complete.
i am well aware that not much of it rhymes but i didn't think that important to this song. this song is all concept for me.

i would appreciate some comments. i'll be learning to critique and begin to do so soon.
#4
sorry, wasn't aware that i couldn't use 'as yet untitled' instead of 'untitled'.
i thought it was the same thing. sorry
#5

alright, since the title is good now, I'll give you a crit of somesorts.

the world has woken up again,
the world is awake again seems to flow better
open your eyes,
somewhat Cliché line
call their bluff again
you used the word again twice fairly close together
it's always about a girl,
or
it's always about a boy
but it's really about,
incompletion in yourself
the rest is fine

bending backwards again,
you use the word again too much
for ideals you never thought of
why do you offer yourself
at the alters of gods
too human to save?
alrighty...

chorus:
so you think he's playing your life
for amusement
for his own amusment... the line is too short compared to the others
on his throne, spitting acid,
because you're useless
the chorus is actually my favorite part of this piece. In the next line explain why they are useless...





Use a thesaures if you find that you use some of the same words too often.
Promises meant a lot back then.