#1
i havent written anything in a while and now i came up with this poem (or a song, havent decided yet). Im afraid it's lacking flow and a solid structure ....so any crits, suggestions, corrections are strongly welcomed. Thanx.
(dedicated to my lil' V. )


Your soul was always ambiguous
I never expected you to drown
So sweet but proud
You were my little princess
Today you just disgust me...where is your crown?

I always knew you are a living paradox
I never thought your mind would fester
So self-demoted to take my piece of mind
All what I hear today is schizophrenic laughter

On pins and needles, on 'Marry J' and meds
My little princess became a sniffing, swallen, sighing serpent
It's not your fate, but my mistake
That you have reached an obscene ending

There is no need for mirrors now
You are so blind -- no point of reflections
I do forgive you what you've done, but I
Will always blame myself for your stupidity and 'drug affection'
Last edited by Sveta at Jul 1, 2007,
#2
Your soul was always ambiguous
I never expected you to drown
So sweet but proud
You were my little princess
Today you are disgusting...where is your crown?
I really like the first line here but I'd change the last line to something like "Today you disgust me...where is your crown?"

I always knew you are a living paradox
I never thought your mind would fester
So self-demoted to take my piece of mind
All what I hear today is schizophrenic laughter
I really like the last line here

On pins and needles, on 'Marry J' and meds
My little princess became a sniffing, swallen, sighing serpent
It's not your fate, it's my mistake
That you have reached this obscene ending
nothing wrong here. good build up in emotion

There is no need for mirrors now
You are so blind -- no point of reflections
I do forgive you what you've done, but I
Will always blame myself for your stupidity and 'drug affection'
this is a good ending. especially the last 2 lines

good job. try to get around to mine in my sig
#3
lacking rythymic structure...holds a good point, but doesnt convey it well, in my opinion
i think it would do great as a musically mellow song...instruments being quiter...but with a fierce edge in the vocals and maybe a backlying track that could...sorta emphasize that

i dont know what the **** im talking about, sorry
#4
i agree with 'private' about the last line in the first stanza, i will change it
'that funny guy' -- i never thought of music for the poem, but i will probably start working out something...
(sorry for bumping)
#5
In the first stanza, I would take out the 'Today you are disgusting' part, and just have 'Where is your crown?'. I absolutely love your usage of vocabulary throughout the whole piece. Especially during the second stanza. I have fallen in love with your third stanza. I love everything about it, the alliteration, the rhyming, and the usage of 'Marry J'
In the third stanza i would have changed 'no point of reflections' to 'No point for' or 'no point to'. The last two lines, are the perfect way to end this piece. They really sum it all up.
All in all this was tight. Keep it up!
Thanks for the crit on my piece.
#6
Quote by Sveta
i havent written anything in a while and now i came up with this poem (or a song, havent decided yet). Im afraid it's lacking flow and a solid structure ....so any crits, suggestions, corrections are strongly welcomed. Thanx.
(dedicated to my lil' V. )


Your soul was always ambiguous
I never expected you to drown
So sweet but proud
You were my little princess
Today you are disgusting...where is your crown?


i like the first stanza but i hae to agree with above poster that last line can be rephrased to put more emphasis like
"today you disgust me .. where's your crown".Moreover there's a need for punctuation (just a little bit)


I always knew you are a living paradox
I never thought your mind would fester
So self-demoted to take my piece of mind--->from wil also do good but i guess it's personal choice All what I hear today is schizophrenic laughter

it's good to see that u used a little bit of fancy words though the flow is not hampered but it doesn't carry the same impact as the first stanza.

On pins and needles, on 'Marry J' and meds
My little princess became a sniffing, swallen, sighing serpent
It's not your fate, it's my mistake
That you have reached this obscene ending

seconnd line has a bit of a low issue . what i suggest is that u can usse one word instead of all the above menttioned or may be a metaphor to describe itt. and in 3 rd line may be u can usse "but my misstake" jusst to aid a flow a little bit. ad in last line either use "an obscene ending" or "your obscene ending". these kind of little things stresses ur point . i hope u understtoood what i meant by that.


There is no need for mirrors now
You are so blind -- no point of reflections

i get ur point but the way in which it is represented does not appeal me very much.
"you are so blind to points of relection maybe"

I do forgive you for what you've done, but I
Will always blame myself for your stupidity and 'drug affection'

well ending was good drug affection liked that metaphor alot.



overall thepiece is ggood it has a nice vibe to it. i don't know why u feel it was poorly sttructured but to me it looked ine. there were small words that u missed out in certain places. never miss those words just to aid the flow. overall anice read . just
tweak it here and there and you'll do good. keep writing and i'll see u around.


Andy
Hi
#8
half great half very bad

Your soul was always ambiguous
I never expected you to drown
So sweet but proud all bad
You were my little princess
Today you just disgust me...where is your crown?

I always knew you are a living paradoxgood
I never thought your mind would festergood
So self-demoted to take my piece of mindgood
All what I hear today is schizophrenic laughterbad

On pins and needles, on 'Marry J' and medsgood
My little princess became a sniffing, swallen, sighing serpentgood
It's not your fate, but my mistakeok
That you have reached an obscene endinggood

There is no need for mirrors nowgood
You are so blind -- no point of reflectionsok
I do forgive you what you've done, but Ibad
Will always blame myself for your stupidity and 'drug affection'very very vague

ok but try being less vague

c4c if you want https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=9804895#post9804895
Quote by st.stephen
You are correct...however, it DOES mean you will have colonol cancer.
#9
Your soul was always ambiguous
I never expected you to drown
So sweet but proud
You were my little princess
Today you just disgust me...where is your crown?
I think this is pretty good, gives the poem an intriguing intro and flows nicely.

I always knew you are a living paradox
I never thought your mind would fester
So self-demoted to take my piece of mind
All what I hear today is schizophrenic laughter
The third line kind of bothers me, you may want to play around with the "piece of mind" part, it's good but I think it has more potential and think it can be cleverly reworded. The last line is impressive, gives it a deep and again intriguing feel.

On pins and needles, on 'Marry J' and meds
My little princess became a sniffing, swallen, sighing serpent
It's not your fate, but my mistake
That you have reached an obscene ending
I like lines 2 and 3, but the first and last seem a bit too blatant, and I think it would flow better with the previous verses if you gave them a deeper feel.

There is no need for mirrors now
You are so blind -- no point of reflections
I do forgive you what you've done, but I
Will always blame myself for your stupidity and 'drug affection'
WOW, first two lines are awesome. This is the deep feel I'd like to see in the previous verse. Good job on this, I enjoyed it, but like every poem it needs a little work here and there . And thanks for your crit on mine.
#10
Quote by Sveta
i havent written anything in a while and now i came up with this poem (or a song, havent decided yet). Im afraid it's lacking flow and a solid structure ....so any crits, suggestions, corrections are strongly welcomed. Thanx.
(dedicated to my lil' V. )


Your soul was always ambiguous
I never expected you to drown
So sweet but proud
You were my little princess
Today you just disgust me...where is your crown?
I like the contradiction here, and the line "where is your crown" really caps it off well

I always knew you are a living paradox
I never thought your mind would fester
So self-demoted to take my piece of mind
All what I hear today is schizophrenic laughter
Once again, i like how you showed the demise, the good vocabulary really makes it stand out

On pins and needles, on 'Marry J' and meds
My little princess became a sniffing, swallen, sighing serpent
It's not your fate, but my mistake
That you have reached an obscene ending
This has a nice rhythm to it, but the second line feels a little too long, maybe removing "swallen" would help.

There is no need for mirrors now
You are so blind -- no point of reflections
I do forgive you what you've done, but I
Will always blame myself for your stupidity and 'drug affection'

I like how it sums up the song with it being your fault, the third line of the previous stanza foreshadows this whole verse.
#11
hey its sveta!
i really liked the opening stanza, altho im not sure whether or not i like the last line as it is now or as yourmessiah suggested (taking out the "today you disgust me") but either way i liked it. the second stanza was probably my least favorite of them, not that it was bad but overall it didnt seem to have the same imact as the rest of this. really liked the last two, dont think id change anything there.
ya sorry i dont really have time right now for a better crit on this but glad to see your writing again. thanks for the crit!
#12
I think your indecisiveness on whether this is a poem or song is the reason I get conflicting impression. As it is, without any form of punctuation or solid sentence structure it feels like a song, but the overall scope of the piece, plus its irregular syllable count it is masquerading as a poem. If I'm honest choose either one or the other and then re-write this with your desired format in mind.

Your soul was always ambiguous
I never expected you to drown
So sweet but proud
You were my little princess
Today you just disgust me...where is your crown?

For me this is too jumbled. Each of the opening few lines convey an entirely different theme to the piece, and really leaves me struggling to believe it will all be answered come the end. I think this needs to be far more cohesive. The main parts to focus on would be the use of drown and then everything from then on being a mix of love and hate. Punctuation is a must in this stanza. It's far too mixed as it is.

I always knew you are a living paradox
I never thought your mind would fester
So self-demoted to take my piece of mind
All what I hear today is schizophrenic laughter

The final line destroys the makings of some narrative here, the first three lines begin to build a picture, then you revert back to the modern day. I think the piece would work far better were you to build the story chronologically, and altering the mood in each stanza. The middle two lines here are effective.

On pins and needles, on 'Marry J' and meds
My little princess became a sniffing, swallen, sighing serpent
It's not your fate, but my mistake
That you have reached an obscene ending

swallen? This is far better, a whole stanza that carries more weight than everything so far. A solid stanza.

There is no need for mirrors now
You are so blind -- no point of reflections
I do forgive you for what you've done, but I
Will always blame myself for your stupidity and 'drug affection'

See far more cohesive, that almost render the opening 2 stanzas redundant. I wasn't keen on the mirror line though, I think you could be more inventive and find something drug related that would allow someone to see a reflection of themselves. In the end it does become more emotional, something I felt the opening lines lacked.

I'll get to another of yours when you post something.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#13
I think this is good as a poem. It would be better with rhyme and syllable structure, but it doesn't necessarily need it. Pretty good stuff...

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