#1
This is a poem I wrote for this girl. Personally I think my flow improved but it's not too strong with words. Anyway I don't wanna sound like I'm critting myself. C4C By the way.

True Love Waits


It must be true that true love waits
I may not be who you truly love
But you're who I truly love

It's said that opposites attract
We must be an exception

I'd put a stone in my shoe and walk the miles
With you and for you

I miss you and each day
Is becoming more painful for me
My heart burns with passion
My soul is wearing away

You're who I care about most in this world
Will this remain in the next?
Would you remember me?
Will I remember you?

Will we walk the miles together;
Or will true love wait?
#2
Your flow is improved. i am not in Romeo and juliet mode right now so i can't say i liked it. the whole piece was quite predictable once i finished reading the first stanza . there are some really cheesy lines in it but whatever works for you but there were some parts that i really liked for some strange and funny reason

I'd put a stone in my shoe and walk the miles
With you and for you.


what i feel is that this piece could use some punctuation so that words don't get overlap with each other.

overall it was an ok read . some girl might love it but to me it's an another piece from another guy who doesn't realise that if he really wants things to work out with this girl he should go and talk to her. i don't mean to offend you . i said whatever i felt . rest is up to you that how you want to take it.

And one more advise poetry doesn't always work very well with girls so be careful. you are asking so many questions like

Will this remain in the next?
Would you remember me?
Will I remember you?

you could scare her with the S*it like that

here you go one quote that i will never forget
Quote by Jammydude44
Poetry practically saved my relationship.

It's hit or miss, basically. Most girls find it sweet. Some will find you pretentious. Others a dick. And others might fall for you.

If you're really worried about it, only use it as a last ditch thing.


i hope she falls for you.

if you're returning then
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=616319

but this time i really mean it when i say "don't feel obliged"
Last edited by abhishek21 at Jun 29, 2007,
#3
yeah i liked it im not really into this sort of stuff but yeh i did like it. I dont think that there is anything wrong with it really but man i hope u get the girl. Good on Ya. I would have to give it about a 7 and a half out of 10 buddy you need more powerful words but other than that good job.

Please crit my new song it is about parents breaking up. click link below.

place for me
#4
i like it , the flow is there but i agree some parts are cheesy. but than again thats in the eye of the beholder. The girl you wrote this for might think otherwise =D GL man
#5
I thought it was a bit cheesy and just a tad choppy. the idea is good, but there are parts when it seems really weak, and just plain and simply not that great. I think u can do much better than this, I have seen u do much better. I reeeeaaaaaaally think u should rewrite it with stronger words, more imagery, and better flow, and I kno that u can, U kno u can, and everyone else knos u can. btw, I really hope u get the girl, just make sure u don't mess up when u ask her out or w/e it is u plan on doing, cuz as Jammydude said before, u can either screw up badly, or nail it with poetry/songs, so use it as a last resort.
My guitars:

Ibanez RG5EX1
Eleca Dread Acoustic
Dean ML

My FX: Line 6 Floor POD Plus

In the end, fact means nothing,
its all about perspective
#6
^ Lol songwriting and relationships forum. But anyway, yeah I'll rewrite it and I'll be back with it and it'll probably be longer. You haven't heard the last of this!

I probably won't formally give it to her but I put some of my poems as myspace blogs. Eh. Anyway, thanks for the comments
#7
It must be true that true love waits
I may not be who you truly love
But you're who I truly love

For me 'true/truly' appears far too much. The first use could be many other words, although it does work on some level. In the second line, 'really' would be a sufficient supplement. Other than that I felt perhaps you've been too direct, too soon, and almost killed what is to come next. This would work as a great ending imo.

It's said that opposites attract
We must be an exception

A great set-up that isn't explored at all. A simile in here would really bring life to this stanza. Any example of opposites attracting would do. I would also say 'it is' to begin, colloquialisms are fine when you're not quoting someone. That and "it is said" is a more powerful assertion.

I'd put a stone in my shoe and walk the miles
With you and for you

The "for you" does nothing more, and isn't really needed. I think if you altered this to mean you walking miles to reach her, the idea of putting the stone in your shoe carries far more weight.

I miss you and each day
Is becoming more painful for me
My heart burns with passion
My soul is wearing away

I will be frank, this is quite a cliche stanza, just the images created (painful/burns/wearing), not necessarily the physical aspects (heart/soul). While it is blunt and to the point, it isn't saying anything new to me. To make this stanza effective you really have to find new ways of saying 'burns with passion', easy to say I know. It's just about finding something literal on which to base the emotion, what most resembles 'burning passion'?

You're who I care about most in this world
Will this remain in the next?
Would you remember me?
Will I remember you?

This is a person dislike, but I find rhetorical questions undermine a piece. The next what? Perhaps she could remember something specific about you, like the way you'd write her poetry...etc.

Will we walk the miles together;
Or will true love wait?

All that said, this is an effective ending, and does tie the piece up well imo. There's not much else I can add. My main advice here is to expand this piece, and make it more literal, things the reader, and more importantly, something she can associate with you. By name dropping a place in this piece, she will always remember you when she hears about it. If that makes sense. Make use of specific tiny details and she will never forget them.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.