#1
Points To Ponder

Look above at the stars
They blur with my tears.
Pinpricks of light
In this massive darkness.

The rooftop before seemed so innocent
But it proved to be the end.
And I know everyone will ask
If I fell
Or if I jumped.

I am beginning to wonder myself.


Thanks. Leave a link, worthy crits will most likely be returned.

darkangel322
The only truly consistent people are dead people.

Last edited by darkangel322 at Jul 2, 2007,
#2
first of all i really liked the whole idea it was really impressing. but there are few things that i don't like the need of first before. i think you can do good without that.

But it proved to be the end.

u can really use something like "But it proved we had our end." or "But it proved to be our end".but i guess it's a personal choice.

overall good .

incase you feel
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=616319
Last edited by abhishek21 at Jun 29, 2007,
#3
Yeah i really like it very expressive. I like everything about this piece i dont think there is anything i would say needs improving because overall its a very good job i would rate it about a 9 out of 10. good job.

Please crit to my new song its about parent breaking up. click link below.

place for me
#4
i like it, it leaves you wondering what really happened, and makes you really think.

when read individually, the stanzas make sense in and of themselves, but you don't really get to see how they all come together until the end, like the plotlines of a good novel.

the imagery in the first stanza was great, with some nice personification in the second. all in all a good piece

btw, i think you jumped (its hard to fall off a rooftop)

keep up the good work
Quote by Dimebag22
This might just be the smartest guy in The Pit. I didn't believe Ethan when he told me there were smart people in The Pit But I was wrong.

yeah, thats me

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#5
its small, but i find it original and deep. I have no serious crits to be honest, however i dnt feel very comfortable with the repetition of 'before' in the second stanza, i would probably take it out from its second line...maybe its just me, anyway, i like ur writing, u r welcomed to crit mine as well. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=616539
Last edited by Sveta at Jun 29, 2007,
#6
I liked it. The end was unexpected but it made sense. Like someone said, the repetition of "before" in the second stanza disrupted the flow a bit, but that's really the only thing I'd change about it. It did a great job of conveying what it was meant to convey.

If you want to crit my song, that'd be great, it's in my siggy.