#1
Came up with this earlier today. It's just a start, but I'd like some constructive criticism. Leave a link and I'll be sure to crit you back.


Through thick and thin I'd surmount, I'd win
Chief optimism on my side
No fault or flaw would render me frail
From nothing would I hide
Strings did ring and words did sing
Their songs not a moment too long
In regards to knowledge it drew me far
But the artist's steady hand was wrong

Superstition scared and scarred
You could say I hoped for bad
Proved only to me that reason is scarce
Along with dexterity and fads
Opinions reshaped my routine views
For the better, but it was by far the worst,
The worst thing that I've ever done
Was to allow others to change why I thirst
#2
seriously some good stuff here . it made me think because of which i liked it alot.i don't have time toc rit it line by line but i'll try later. just one advise puncttuate it alittle bit tthen it will be more easy to read
#3
I didnt notice any errors or anything. I like the language used, the actual style and the whole philosophy of the piece, i feel it is very personal. In the first stanza i like the usage of 'strings' what brought in the feeling of alarm or possibly something important happening, it then connects with 'songs', and in my own interpretation the 'artist' has a god-like image.
The alliteration in L1 in the second stanza adds this bitter mood due to the 'hissing' sound. However, i feel that L6 breaks the flow, you could take out 'by far', i donno, its a matter of choice. + i thought that 'why' must be 'what' in the end.
Anyho, i seriously did enjoy the poem, the ending was smooth and sulking.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=616539
#4
I liked the continuous rhyming and it had a good flow but only until this line: "Strings did ring and words did sing". Feels like you were trying too hard for the rhyme, try "Strings rang and words did sing". Just play around with it. Also, last line of the first stanza could be "But the steady hand of the artist was wrong". Idk, just prefer it that way. In the second, everything seems perfect, apart from that one last line. I agree with Sveta, you should change "why" to "what". Dunno if you were going for a different meaning, but it just doesn't read right. Hmm apart from odd bits n bobs, i liked this. Mind commenting on mine? Top one in my sig? Thanx.