#1
sorry about the other thread... tried to change the thread title, guess it didn't work.

just wrote it the other day...still a work in progress. if you can help me pick a title, id appreciate it. I named it "I owe you" at first, but I didn't like it.

I was too weak,
To make it through.
I needed help,
When I found you.
You sat me down,
We found the truth,
And I owe you.
I owe you.

You saved me from,
The fatal knife.
Because of you,
I have my life.
From this point on,
I will think twice.
Now I owe you.
I owe you.

You were the one,
I looked up to.
I was in need,
And I had you.
You’re strength gave me,
A path to choose.
I changed my life,
Because of you.

The years have passed,
Our lives have changed.
The world is spinning,
A different way.
And now it’s you,
Who needs saved,

And I owe you.
I owe you.
We’ll make it through,
That’s what we do.
I owe you.
#2
i thought the concept was great, but that up until that second to last verse it was a rather mediocre song. from there the song gained a lot more artistry in terms of rhyme and meaning. except, the last line in the penultimate verse, "who needs saved" sounds rhythmically off. i don't know, but it doesn't quite fit with the rest of the verse.
i think the problem is that the song lacks anything visual, it's too straight forward. it narrates a story, basically, and doesn't create a scene or atmosphere. but the concept of it is good.
#3
Quote by FaithToLive
i thought the concept was great, but that up until that second to last verse it was a rather mediocre song. from there the song gained a lot more artistry in terms of rhyme and meaning. except, the last line in the penultimate verse, "who needs saved" sounds rhythmically off. i don't know, but it doesn't quite fit with the rest of the verse.
i think the problem is that the song lacks anything visual, it's too straight forward. it narrates a story, basically, and doesn't create a scene or atmosphere. but the concept of it is good.


thanks, i wrote it pretty quick, and like i said i'm still working on it. i agree with the "who needs saved" part... i wasn't quite satisfied with it when i wrote it, but i put it there for now just to finish the verse.

do you have any tips for how i could give it more of a visual aspect?