#1
This is a song i wrote about my struggle with religion, I won't say which one to dodge any bashing. It's very personal but it does represent everything i ever wanted to say. I struggled with the values, the belief, and the actual connection to god, and the life i was suppose to lead. I kept up the act that i was apart of this religion for sometime, friends family ect, But now i choose to not belive in that stuff.\

Enjoy


Lacuna


The messiah has fallen
Stranded in this block aid
Another tall tale among the children

These wings won’t fly me any higher
Nor these legs carry me any longer
I am disconnected, but I still feel the chain


Why didn’t you save me?
Didn’t you change me?
Like they said you would


Among the overwhelmed,
The successor
The answer to myself
I am so disconnected, but I still feel the chain (Dragging Me Down)
Behind the gate, beyond the pedestal
Ultimately missing... stolen from me (Give into Me)


Why didn’t you save me?
Didn’t you change me?
Like they said you would


I lived it, seen it, given it a chance.
I have become the disease
Now I am free of my chain

I Have Failed You
You Have Failed Me


Why didn’t you save me?
Didn’t you change me?
Like they said you would

The other half,
The broken piece
They fit together
Split between, this divided aerial
Slipping sand between fingers
Content to ratify


The perfect pair
Undetermined ascend
King of the two face.
Last edited by Cygnus at Jul 3, 2007,
#2
what kind of sound do you hear when you read these lyrics? or do you just consider it a poem? i think it's very good
I'm a dude, he's a dude, she's a dude, we're all dudes HEY!
#6
The messiah has fallen
Stranded in this block aid
Another tall tale among the children
I like the symbolized lack of believing here, i just dont understand the second line, but its probably something i will figure out in five minutes and be like "ohh"
These wings won’t fly me any higher
Nor these legs carry me any longer
I am disconnected, but I still feel the chain

i cant find anything to criticize here, the contradiction in the last line is great
Why didn’t you save me?
Didn’t you change me?
Like they said you would


Among the overwhelmed,
The successor
The answer to myself
I am so disconnected, but I still the chain (Dragging Me Down)
Behind the gate, beyond the pedestal
Its missing, stolen from me (Give into Me)
the only thing i see here is a typo in "but i still the chain"

Why didn’t you save me?
Didn’t you change me?
Like they said you would
I like how this continues in the mood of dissatisfaction


I lived it, seen it, given it a chance.

I have become the disease

Now I am free of my chain

I Have Failed You
You Have Failed Me
this ends it nicely, showing how you broke away and were finally let go

Why didn’t you save me?
Didn’t you change me?
Like they said you would


The other half,
The broken piece
They fit together
Split between, this divided aerial
Slipping sand between fingers
Content to ratify


The perfect pair
Undetermined ascend
King of the two face.
#7
I like this what you have started here quite a bit, but,in my opinion, it relies too heavily on statements that are somewhat vague. The images that are in the song, work very nicely, If you can keep up that level of imagery throughout the entire work I think it would be very good.

I think the title, is a bit dramatic, but that is largely a matter of personal taste, I think the listener will know that there is a void, something missing when they hear the song, and don't need to be told that that is what it is partially about.

The messiah has fallen
Stranded in this block aid
Another tall tale among the children

These wings won’t fly me any higher
Nor these legs carry me any longer
I am disconnected, but I still feel the chain
These first stanzas are very strong, I especially love the rhythm and the rhyme within them.

Why didn’t you save me?
Didn’t you change me?
Like they said you would
I don't feel enough impact from this stanza, especially if it is the refrain for your song, you don't have to answer the questions you ask, but you need to put something with a little more power for the third line. Perhaps you could contrast this questions with somekind of image to contrast the thoughts.

Among the overwhelmed,
The successor
The answer to myself
I am so disconnected, but I still the chain (Dragging Me Down)
Behind the gate, beyond the pedestal
Its missing, stolen from me (Give into Me)
nice juxtoposition of chain and disconnected. Also the image of the chain works beautifully with your religion theme (the great chain of being), good stuff, but I want to know what is "missing, stolen from" you, you don't say something like "belief" or "faith" or something like that, use a nice metaphor, but don't use "it" it really drains these powerful lines a lot.


Why didn’t you save me?
Didn’t you change me?
Like they said you would


I lived it, seen it, given it a chance.

I have become the disease

Now I am free of my chain

I Have Failed You
You Have Failed Me
I think it works very well to come down to these direct explicit statements at this point in the song, good job holding off till the power had built up.


Why didn’t you save me?
Didn’t you change me?
Like they said you would


The other half,
The broken piece
They fit together
Split between, this divided aerial
Slipping sand between fingers
Content to ratify


The perfect pair
Undetermined ascend
King of the two face.

I don't have anything to say about the rest other than that I like it a lot, you use some vivid imagery, that isn't over done and it works very well. Your chain metaphor is cohesive and consistent, and the song is just generally enjoyable. I know that this will be even better after you put some work into it, please share it when you do.

Hope I was helpful, if you think so then please help me out with a crit: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=619102
#8
wow guys thanks for the points, i'll give each of you good responses tommorrow, But thanks


bedtime
#9
wow...this is some de ja vu stuff goin on here Cygnus, for the past couple of weeks i've been thinking about this samething.

maybe were long lost bros or sumthin'
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#10
wow...this is some de ja vu stuff goin on here Cygnus, for the past couple of weeks i've been thinking about this samething.

maybe were long lost bros or sumthin' :


ha its a small world
#11
Quote by corrylb19
The messiah has fallen
Stranded in this block aid
Another tall tale among the children
I like the symbolized lack of believing here, i just dont understand the second line, but its probably something i will figure out in five minutes and be like "ohh"


In case anyone was still wondering, I believe "block aid" was intended to be "blockade".

To the original poster: As the purpose of a blockade is to keep something from getting through, perhaps "stranded behind this blockade" would be more effective. You know, you might be able to play with the blockade image more. During the Civil War, some blockade runners were criticized for smuggling fripperies into the south rather than badly needed supplies. Seems that could have some application here- the religious organization you were burned by being the moral equivalent of the unscrupulous blockade runner. As someone burned by organized religion, your piece really hits home. It took me a long time to be able to see the difference between God and the church that burned me, and what you wrote really captures that feeling.
Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
-Dorothy Parker
Last edited by queenofthenight at Jul 3, 2007,
#12
Hey dude I understand where your coming from. I have felt the same way before. Very Well put. Would you please take a look at my song."Hear My Cry" IT deals with these kinds of feelings. I think you would like it. Please tell me what you think of it. Thanks
#14
Quote by queenofthenight
In case anyone was still wondering, I believe "block aid" was intended to be "blockade".

To the original poster: As the purpose of a blockade is to keep something from getting through, perhaps "stranded behind this blockade" would be more effective. You know, you might be able to play with the blockade image more. During the Civil War, some blockade runners were criticized for smuggling fripperies into the south rather than badly needed supplies. Seems that could have some application here- the religious organization you were burned by being the moral equivalent of the unscrupulous blockade runner. As someone burned by organized religion, your piece really hits home. It took me a long time to be able to see the difference between God and the church that burned me, and what you wrote really captures that feeling.



those ideas are great, I unno if its the angle i wanted but thanks man. I'll be sure to crit some of your work soontime
#16
i'm replying to peoples posts.... unless you would like me to not talk to people... on a forum...
#17
Well, from what I have seen, Mods generally close threads when the Thread Starter replies in his/her own thread which hasn't been posted in over a day or so.

And you double posted, which is against the rules. You could have just edited your last post.

I'm not gettin' at you or anything, just pointing out the obvious.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#18
Holy crap! You're from Holland Landing! Keswick represent Anyways...

I really like this because I can understand where you're coming from, and I feel the same way. You perfectly captured how someone else feels about the same thing, that's powerful man I love this stanza:


Among the overwhelmed,
The successor
The answer to myself
I am so disconnected, but I still the chain (Dragging Me Down)
Behind the gate, beyond the pedestal
Its missing, stolen from me (Give into Me)


The comparisons are awesome, but they are through the whole piece in general. But I think the opening few lines are not as powerful as they could be, I'd look over that because an opening is supposed to be one of the strongest points of a piece. Really good work though, good job

My newest piece, Amanda, is in my sig if you'd like to look at it. It's long, so I'm not expecting many replies, if any, so I don't blame you if you don't take a look
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
Last edited by Chak at Jul 5, 2007,
#19
Quote by Cygnus


The messiah has fallen
Stranded in this block aid - this line is very unclear to me, but phoneticly its sounds like "blockade" which i think ties in very well with the tone of the whole song
Another tall tale among the children

These wings won’t fly me any higher
Nor these legs carry me any longer
I am disconnected, but I still feel the chain - this line's contradiction presents a great feeling of uncertainty and being stuck in between which i think carries over to everything else here

Why didn’t you save me?
Didn’t you change me?
Like they said you would


Among the overwhelmed,
The successor
The answer to myself
I am so disconnected, but I still feel the chain (Dragging Me Down)
Behind the gate, beyond the pedestal
Ultimately missing... stolen from me (Give into Me)
i feel like the words in parathesis take away from the flow, but dependingl how they are sung or spoken, it has potential to realy add to the stanza.

Why didn’t you save me?
Didn’t you change me?
Like they said you would


I lived it, seen it, given it a chance.
I have become the disease
Now I am free of my chain
the last two lines seem to conflict, but not in a complementary, contradictory sense, like the first reference to "the chain", just kind of clashing. sad to say it doesnt seem to fit.

I Have Failed You
You Have Failed Me


Why didn’t you save me?
Didn’t you change me?
Like they said you would

The other half,
The broken piece
They fit together
Split between, this divided aerial
Slipping sand between fingers
Content to ratify


The perfect pair
Undetermined ascend
King of the two face. - im not sure if who you were writing about in this line, and who it makes me think of ( ill leave un-named to avoid conflict) but it realy hits home, and is an excelent finish.


i feel like i can realy identify with this, and its help calm my own religious issues.
I have a box full of voices, but they all sound the same.
Last edited by coldshiftdown at Jul 5, 2007,
#21
Quote by Cygnus
This is a song i wrote about my struggle with religion, I won't say which one to dodge any bashing. It's very personal but it does represent everything i ever wanted to say. I struggled with the values, the belief, and the actual connection to god, and the life i was suppose to lead. I kept up the act that i was apart of this religion for sometime, friends family ect, But now i choose to not belive in that stuff.\

Enjoy


Lacuna


The messiah has fallen
Stranded in this blockade
Another tall tale among the children

Nice and original so far.

These wings won’t fly me any higher
Nor these legs carry me any longer
I am disconnected, but I still feel the chain

Good. The chain thing is a bit over used though nowadays.

Why didn’t you save me?
Didn’t you change me
Like they said you would?

Just move the question mark to the end of the line


Among the overwhelmed,
The successor
The answer to myself
I am so disconnected, but I still feel the chain (Dragging Me Down)
Behind the gate, beyond the pedestal
Ultimately missing... stolen from me (Give into Me)

Good.


Why didn’t you save me?
Didn’t you change me?
Like they said you would

*see prior comment for this*


I lived it, seen it, given it a chance.
I have become the disease
Now I am free of my chain

The chain thing definately seems a bit out of place.

I Have Failed You
You Have Failed Me

Albeit confusing, but good.
Why didn’t you save me?
Didn’t you change me?
Like they said you would

The other half,
The broken piece
They fit together
Split between, this divided aerial
Slipping sand between fingers
Content to ratify

Very nice.


The perfect pair
Undetermined ascend
King of the two face.

Nice ending.


Good job. I figure I might as well crit since I posted in here twice already.

Crit mine? Either of the ones in my sig will do. Preferably the untitled one. Thanks.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.