#1
She will follow you through the hallway,
drink your little bottles of Jameson,
Fill your ashtrays to the brim
and sleep with you for four solid days,
each morning the two of you waking up to
some movie on HBO.

But next time you're standing on a small boat
in the middle of some dank-ass lake, throwing
bottle caps into it, picture life at the bottom,
with mud swirling through every joint and skin folicle,
hiding your habits underneath the propellers, then remember:
Don't get upset when it's time for her
to move on towards
a future that doesn't
involve babysitting
a small child
like yourself.
Poor advice.
#2
She will follow you through the hallway,
drink your little bottles of Jameson,
Fill your ashtrays to the brim
and sleep with you for four solid days,
each morning the two of you waking up to
some movie on HBO.

But next time you're standing on a small boat
in the middle of some dank-ass lake, throwing
bottle caps into it, picture life at the bottom,
with mud swirling through every joint and skin folicle,
hiding your habits underneath the propellers, then remember:
Don't get upset when it's time for her
to move on towards
a future that doesn't
involve babysitting
a small child
like yourself.


haha i liked it sound like a velvet underground song put some wierd music in there and maybe make it a little longer and i would buy it as a single

c4c if you want https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=9804895#post9804895
Quote by st.stephen
You are correct...however, it DOES mean you will have colonol cancer.
#3
Nice little piece.

The transition from line 5 to 6 in the second stanza kind of sounds off though... personally I think it would work better as "then remember not to get upset..." or else maybe saying "and remember" instead and leaving the rest as is. Just an idea anyways.

Other than that the only other thing i noticed is that it's just a few long sentences with lots of commas... so maybe consider breaking it down into a few more sentences.

Good work though.

The "newest" piece in my sig is too short to crit and the other one has lots already... but if you would please either drop a comment in that one or wait for my next piece... thanks.
#5
There's not much I can ever say about your pieces, especially not now, but do realize that I can do nothing but marvel at your work.

By the way, do you have a place where one could read all, if not, a majority of your pieces? Search only goes back so far.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

Last edited by culex-knight at Jul 2, 2007,