#1
while we play board games
on liquid crystal displays,
there's a teapot outside
just waiting to burn airplanes
in its tinfoil spout.

i reside deep inside
the carnival of pixels as
all the harlequins pour out
the door to inhale
euphoria through
a ceramic canal.

but when they return,
we travel the half-mile
to the golden arches
where we fill our beaks
with broken teeth
and arctic meat.

and the board game
will never be the same,
once we've coated our lips
in sweet novocaine.

I just want to sleep forever.


Last edited by Grovermans at Jul 2, 2007,
#2
while we play board games
on liquid crystal displays,
there's a teapot outside
just waiting to burn airplanes
in its tinfoil spout.
Sweet stanza, nice flow and imagery.

i reside deep inside
the carnival of pixels as
all the harlequins pour out
the door to inhale
euphoria through
a ceramic canal.
I don't mind this but the flow seemed a little cut-up and I lost the imagery when I couldn't work out what the 'ceramic canal' was.

but when they return,
we travel the half-mile
to the golden arches
where we fill our beaks
with broken teeth
and arctic meat.
You got the flow back and I have the imagery but I'm lost in the meaning behind it, but that could very well just be my ignorance .

and the board game
will never be the same,
once we've coated our lips
in sweet novocaine.
I like this as an ending, good job

Overall it's pretty awesome I enjoyed reading it. 8/10
Could you please crit my latest it's called 'Ego Toxic'.
#3
Quote by Grovermans
while we play board games
on liquid crystal displays,
there's a teapot outside
just waiting to burn airplanes
in its tinfoil spout.

I like this. Is it referring to videogames? Great imagery, all your stuff has great imagery.

i reside deep inside
the carnival of pixels as
all the harlequins pour out
the door to inhale
euphoria through
a ceramic canal.

So while you playing videogames, the harlequins go outside and have a smoke?
I think that's what it means. Very, very well written. Beautiful.


Ok, so I think
but when they return,
we travel the half-mile
to the golden arches
where we fill our beaks
with broken teeth
and arctic meat.

Yay for McDonalds. That is what you are talking about right? I hope I was right, or I'ma look like an idiot. I like how give me sort of twisted imagery as well.

and the board game
will never be the same,
once we've coated our lips
in sweet novocaine.

I'm probably wrong, but is this verse saying that the simple things will never be good enough once technology [or whatever] advances?

Whether I am right or wrong doesn't matter, great ending. I just think that the 'sweet novocaine' is a bit... not cliche, but not as original as everything else seems to be.


This is pretty much flawless I gotta say. Oh, how I dream of being able to write like this...

Care to give me a few pointers?

Drop [The Charade]

In my sig.
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#4
first of all, yeah, you were pretty much
right about it all with your interpretation haha.
it's a poetic retelling of tonight's events.

we played mario party, my friends went outside
to get high, and then we went to mcdonald's.

second of all, yeah, the novocaine bit was
really cliche and i was worried about that,
but i really wanted the rhyme, and i couldn't
have the rhyme with any non-cliche thing.
so. i sacrificed it for the rhyme. i kind of
regret it though. maybe i'll change it?

thanks a lot though, both of you.

I just want to sleep forever.


#5
I didn't even notice the rhyme when I read through it, so maybe it wouldn't harm if you changed it.

I dunno.

It's up to you.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.