#1
I am writing this because i can't risk a block right now.C4c as usual . leave the link. i won't search them


An incident at a gift shop



It was the only place, which could end my obscure journey.
My mind will get rid of thoughts that trigger this obligation.
I stood with a starry-eyed intention in front of a gift shop.

Sometimes it is easy to steal things, which are of no use,
But sometimes it’s hard to buy things when you’ve cash.
Well if you don’t want to talk about this, it’s your wish.
But for those who are so anxious to feed their curiosity,
Imagine a kid, who shoplifts for money to buy comics,
He takes a second to steal but many hours to choose.

For that very hour my choices were in dreadful position,
I had to buy a gift for someone from this thought shop.
I went inside. It was furnished for sketching a fairy tale
Only thing missing was talking trees and jumping candy.

I looked at a greeting card and read what he had to say,
I thought for how long, these words been caged. I
decided it was time for them to witness an expression.
Suddenly I felt that someone was staring at me.
I turned and there was one big teddy bear.
I felt like he’s choking and demanding a fresh air.
I thought “what the hell”. I also took him. As I stood
In line to pay the cost of someone else’s emotion,
I felt that everything in there was facing rejection.
I ignored them with a sadistic feeling and thought
“Either the drugs are working or it’s really hard to
buy a gift. Next time I’m definitely stealing one”



thnx for reading
Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at Jul 2, 2007,
#3
It was the only place, which could end my obscure journey.comma feels awkward imo
My mind will get rid of thoughts that trigger this obligation.
I stood with a starry-eyed intention in front of a gift shop.
Appart from the comma the rest of this stanza is great, I love the imagery and you worded this very well

Sometimes it is easy to steal things, which are of no use,Again the first comma annoyes me
But sometimes it’s hard to buy things when you’ve cash.
Well if you don’t want to talk about this, it’s your wish.
But for those who are so anxious to feed their curiosity,
Imagine a kid, who shoplifts for money to buy comics,huh? Wouldnt' he shoplift the comics
He takes a second to steal but many hours to choose.
This is also good, a bit more confusing than the first one though. I liked the last line

For that very hour my choices were in dreadful position,
I had to buy a gift for someone from this thought shop.The thought seems out of place
I went inside. It was furnished for sketching a fairy tale -nice
Only thing missing was talking trees and jumping candy. Maybe jumping trees and talking candy instead?
Overall it was a good stanza, I liked the imagery in it, the allusions to the fairy-tale were good. Nice work

I looked at a greeting card and read what he had to say,--Who is he?
I thought for how long, these words been caged. I
decided it was time for them to witness an expression. Up to here it's good. But
Suddenly I felt that someone was staring at me.Here is changes too abruptly. I was probably intentional but it felt stange
I turned and there was one big teddy bear. That was an interesting surprise
I felt like he’s choking and demanding a fresh air.
I thought “what the hell”. I also took him. As I stood
In line to pay the cost of someone else’s emotion,
I felt that everything in there was facing rejection.
I ignored them with a sadistic feeling and thought
“Either the drugs are working or it’s really hard to
buy a gift. Next time I’m definitely stealing one”

Up to the end it's ace. It definitely improves from the other two stanzas. You should see if this one could be broken into two more at some place. It feels a bit too long compared to the other two. I hope this was helpfull. I feel like I owe you tons of crits.
#4
wow, thats so much better than the previous poem of yours i wont really give u a constructive criticism as there is nothing bad to say, however i agree with confusius that the comma in the first line must be removed, but imo you shall keep the other one in the next stanza. The flow was great, except i wasnt very comfortable with the 3rd stanza. Anyways, thnx for ur crit
#5
i thought of breaking the last stanza but then i thought it will seem disjointed and incompelete
and i was feeling too lazy to write more for the piece.

confusious you don't owe me anything.pm me as soon as u have something new.
anyway thnx both of you
Hi