#2
... I don't get it. There's no plot, little dialogue, and I have no idea who the protagonist is.
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I love you, Muphin. You have great taste in music.

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Muphin > You

The Cooperation
#4
Officer- Ahh….someone else will take care of him. He seems like a funny fellow so I’m not gonna screw this chance over some stupid driving form.

I got that far. Not to be cruel, but that is among the most awkward sentences I've never heard someone say.
#6
I read the first scene, could be better, but, you gotta start somewhere, and UG is perfect if you're looking to be criticized
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools
#7
That was dumb. I stopped reading at the part where a police officer basically accepts a bribe.
The dialog is terrible and artificial, and it has no plot.
#9
Well...to be honest the sentences seemed awkward, and would probably sound really forced if acted out. Perhaps you could read some scripts of sitcoms that you find good and funny, and take pointers from them.

On the topic of scripts, can someone crit mine? I don't trust putting it on a big international forum, so if anyone is interested, PM me. It's basically going to be one of them robbery films, but in the actual robbery (I'm just up to the plan), it'll be from each characters perspective respectively.
FUCK YOU! GET PUMPED!
#10
"seems like a funny fellow"? Who, outside of Middle Earth, talks like that?
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#11
Quote by Yakult
"seems like a funny fellow"? Who, outside of Middle Earth, talks like that?

Me
Sent from my iPad.
#12
what the hell was that stereotypical talk about men and women?! dude, if you're gonna create, be creative... seriously.
#16
I actually think that it would be funnier without the first scene, especially when (spoilers) he's telling simon he has a date
#17
A bad attempt at a cliche sitcom
"That Hidde's a cool guy" -Abe Lincoln
"Hidde? Yeah we jam all the time" -Steve Vai
"Remember that time when burt jumped out of the tree and into the river? Good times!" -Jesus

So I heard you liek profiles?
#19
Hey you should make it so Julia Roberts and Mel Gibson land a jumbo jet on an uninhabited island full of cavepeople.


/only fools and horses
#22
just read through the whole thing.

worst story ever.

i mean, what was the entire point of it all? it had no climax, the slightest bit of a buildup, and nothing but plain, boring jokes.
#27
Alright, I'll bite. I don't really care for sitcoms, and this script seems to follow the same plot as countless others that have been airing for years. Nothing stands out in it except for the fact that all of the dialogue and characters seem to have been copied from countless other shows. There also seem to be several inconsistencies which nagged at me. The officer was never said to have given back the license, only the Shaw's card, so how did Rickshaw have it to show to Simon? More over, why did Simon grab Rickshaw's license? There was no need. I've really never heard anyone, and I mean it, anyone talk in the manner in which the characters do. I'm game for the use of words like fellow, but they don't mesh. They're present seemingly as a reminder that you are infact reading a script and there is no sense of immersion, you are left to wonder why the characters would speak in such a manner and the reasoning behind actions and words is almost nonexistent. I really didn't care for it, but I believe you should continue to work on writing in an effort to acclimate yourself with the nuances of speech and better your understanding of archetypes seen in television.
#28
I do ND Media at college and the first thing they teach you is structure of a story and script. Read up on it dude, you got patential, but need to learn about scriptwriting first.
Also learn how to format a script, when the "camera" cuts into the car, you gotta do INT. *CHARACTER* CAR etc etc....read up dude...
#30
Just remembered. Download CeltX scriptwriting software off the net. it's free. It's what we use at college.