#1
possibly graphic for some......


If I kill you no one else can have you
Youll be mine forever
The bullet through your head
Marks you as mine
The blood rushes out, and spills on me
Its what keeps me alive

If I rape you no one else will want you
Youll be mine for always
The scars on your body
Mark you as mine
The tears pur out and spill on me
Your sex keeps me alive

This is the sound of a dream falling away
This is the sound of a nightmare coming true


C4C, be brutal if you need to.

btw, this is my first post in here (but far from my first piece) thx everyone
Quote by Dimebag22
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yeah, thats me

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Last edited by Mr_BTP at Jul 2, 2007,
#2
a little graphic but thats alright it would either mark you as a psycho or a quentin tarantino fan. both are good things in certain amounts. About the writing, its above average and not corny at all, would fit well into a hardcore song
Quote by imnotcommunist
lets make an emo song!!
first play same 2 power chords over and over
have a breakdown every 10 seconds
cry and whimper
dont forget the hair over one eye
and the depressing lyrics on how your teddy bear died!
#3
If I kill you no one else can have you
Youll be mine forevercliche
The bullet through your head
Marks you as minevery creative for a 10 year old
The blood rushes out, and spills on me
Its what keeps me alivevague

If I rape you no one else will want you
Youll be mine for alwaysvague
The scars on your body
Mark you as mineyour really shooting a dead horse
The tears pur out and spill on me
Your sex keeps me alivevague

This is the sound of a dream falling away
This is the sound of a nightmare coming true


that was awful very very vague. i hav no problem with songs that are about things like that but you need to say it in a creative way. and stop saying cliche things

c4c https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=618832
Quote by st.stephen
You are correct...however, it DOES mean you will have colonol cancer.
#4
Very graphic. It would probably work growled or cookie monstered. Not my sort of thing, but for what's it's supposed to be I guess it'd pass.

Don't want to think about what's going to happen to me if I beat you in the next Newbie Comp.

Crit mine if you want, it's in the siggy.
Last edited by bananaboy at Jul 2, 2007,
#5
Quote by RJMan
it would either mark you as a psycho or a quentin tarantino fan.


Maybe I'm just psycho too, but I liked the graphicness of the poem.
There are some lines that are used too much in the poem, but Fix those few problems and you have a nice hardcore poem
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Quote by archangels666

YOU MOTHER GET UP, come on get DOWN WITH THE BUTTSECKS!
YOU FUCKER GET UP, come on get DOWN WITH THE BUTTSECKS!
BUTTSECKS IS THE GIFT THAT HAS BEEN GIVEN TO ME!


#6
maybe think of a metaphor for rape, then build on that. by saying it so bluntly it leaves nothing to the imagination, which is ok is some cases, it doesn't seem to work here. using a metaphor will allow you to expand on what you already have, which isn't all that bad, there's some decent lines. although the last two lines seemed familiar (not too sure why), i liked them, probably the strongest in the piece. if you like, comment on mine? Your Mind Is A Moose .. link in sig.
#7
this would go well with a really heavy metal band. this is very deep and graphic, some parts were vague , the flow was off in a few places(but not terribly). but really thats all that i can think of that i didnt like. im not a fan of graphic poetry, but this wasnt that bad, keep it up. could u crit mine. link is in my sig
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#9
its pretty out there and u do seem kinda crazy but it sounds good and never heard anything like it
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#12
thanks for all the critiques. im not a crazy person, and yes i am a tarantino fan. i just get violent thoughts in my head from time to time, and figger that writing them down is the best way to rid myself of them. ill prolly get around to returning the favor tonight after i go grocery shopping

and the inspiration for this was i thought about why people murder their significant other, and it went from there.
Quote by Dimebag22
This might just be the smartest guy in The Pit. I didn't believe Ethan when he told me there were smart people in The Pit But I was wrong.

yeah, thats me

member 42 of the Iron Maiden are gods club. PM revelations to join
Last edited by Mr_BTP at Jul 6, 2007,
#13
Quote by likelylad
If I kill you no one else can have you
Youll be mine forevercliche
The bullet through your head
Marks you as minevery creative for a 10 year old
The blood rushes out, and spills on me
Its what keeps me alivevague

If I rape you no one else will want you
Youll be mine for alwaysvague
The scars on your body
Mark you as mineyour really shooting a dead horse
The tears pur out and spill on me
Your sex keeps me alivevague

This is the sound of a dream falling away
This is the sound of a nightmare coming true


that was awful very very vague. i hav no problem with songs that are about things like that but you need to say it in a creative way. and stop saying cliche things

c4c https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=618832

not cool! way to kill the dudes writing. it may have been vague, but vagueness makes it applicable in more ways to more people, and allows them to see what they want in the song. would tool be as popular if they didn't use symbolism? would dream theater? would queensryche? would any band? would any novielist or writer?


anyway, i think it'd be very good put to dark music, perhaps Type O Negative style, or Opeth. the vocals can't be an overly heavy part of the music, though, or it may make it seem like you're telling the person to kill someone (IMO). it is crazy, but we all get crazy thoughts from time to time.

if you put it to music, make sure to keep the music changing: i don't think these lyrics would fit into a riff-n-roll type song, because they're too intense. perhaps keep a clean chord riff going through the entire thing, and a lead doing intermittent fills that complement the vocals, or put lead fills in between the lines of the stanzas. i have a feeling that the "Dream falling away/nightmare coming true" part would be great if between the last stanza and that, the guitars went all-out, and that part were screamed and held out.

a long solo outro would fit, too.
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#15
I didn't think it was particularly graphic, or shocking. However, I did think it was poorly written.

There is little creativity here, in my opinion. If you're going to go for shock over subtlety, then I'd make it more original than this.
There is poetry in despair.