#1
OTS at 2 AM crit4crit this time.


My vision's blurred,
I see a puddle of blood forming,
spelling out I HATE YOU,
but i don't even look up.
The puddle grows frustrated, and
runs around the room, spins, and splashes,
trying it's damnest to capture my attention.
I'll admit it took some effort not to,
but I don't even look up.
Last edited by stratkat at Jul 3, 2007,
#4
My vision's blurred,
I see a puddle of blood forming,
spelling out I HATE YOU,
but i don't even look up.
The puddle grows frustrated, and
runs around the room, spins, and splashes,
trying it's damnest to capture my attention.
I'll admit it took some effort not to,
but I don't even look up.

Was this supposed to be a metaphor type thing where the puddle is a person saying "I hate you" for the attention, which you don't give them? Because that's what I got out of it.

Very interesting... But a small grammar thing.

I'll admit it took some effort not to,


To keep in the same tense, you may want to put 'I'll admit it takes some effort' or something along those lines.
#5
This is awesome, but I think it would be more awesome if it was

'but i don't even look down'

Just makes more sense, puddles are generally on the ground, thus you look down to see them.

But then again there could be some symbolism behind the 'I don't even look up'

I dunno. But I like it.

Crit mine? It's in the sig.
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