#1
Cold and desolate
Nearly everything is still
A crimson drop hits the snow
The last of thousands spilled

Hours tick away
And day begins to recede
Another flick of silver to the wrist
Another cut bleeds

Fresh white covers tainted red
But that too is soon dyed
Red and white are all that's seen
All other hues locked inside

Then one day things start to change
The world is once again green
White and red still exist
But new shades are seen

As time goes on
The red goes away
Traces of white remain
(Edited... Didn't like this stanza.)
But they also fade

Clock hands keep spinning
The crimson slowly disappears
Only small traces of white remain
Memories of spilt red tears

The world comes alive
Changes take their place
The rare red drop still exists
But only on the worst days

Days become longer
Nearly eliminating night
Now there is life
Coldness takes flight

Warmth becomes prevalent
Days of sadness are gone
Life is almost carefree
But this time won't last long

Leaves start to turn brown
And fall to the ground
Green was getting old
But it's still around

It won't be long, though
Until the first snow falls
Another cycle of a year
The razor yet again calls
Jackson DKMG with Dimarzio Evo2's
Squier Strat

Vox AD50VT-212

Schecter Stilletto Elite-4

Acoustic B200

Change of Season

fuzzyDXMG=GREAT buyer/trader, easy to deal with.
Last edited by atreyurock9 at Jul 3, 2007,
#2
*reported*

Read the rules on how to post the title

Twistedit: I don't know. Most of the time I read the headline of the post instead of the title of the thread and false report. Honest mistakes
Last edited by Twist of fate at Jul 3, 2007,
#3
Sorry about that. I fixed it.
But seriously. What is it about reporting people that gets you and others off?
Jackson DKMG with Dimarzio Evo2's
Squier Strat

Vox AD50VT-212

Schecter Stilletto Elite-4

Acoustic B200

Change of Season

fuzzyDXMG=GREAT buyer/trader, easy to deal with.
#4
It's cool. People make mistakes.
Jackson DKMG with Dimarzio Evo2's
Squier Strat

Vox AD50VT-212

Schecter Stilletto Elite-4

Acoustic B200

Change of Season

fuzzyDXMG=GREAT buyer/trader, easy to deal with.
#5
Quote by atreyurock9
Cold and desolate
Nearly everything is still
A crimson drop hits the snow
The last of thousands spilled

Pretty vague, but it is cool

Hours tick away
And day begins to recede
Another flick of silver to the wrist
Another cut bleeds

Ah, I get it now. well written

Fresh white covers tainted red
But that too is soon dyed
Red and white are all that's seen
All other hues locked inside

First line is good, not too sure about the rest.

Then one day things start to change
The world is once again green
White and red still exist
But new shades are seen

Hope. Nice.

As time goes on
The red goes away
Traces of white remain
But they also fade

Meh, poorly written compared to the rest.

The world comes alive
Changes take their place
The rare red drop still exists
But only on the worst days

Days become longer
Nearly eliminating night
Now there is life
Coldness takes flight

Warmth becomes prevalent
Days of sadness are gone
Life is almost carefree
But this time won't last long

Relapse. Sad.

Leaves start to turn brown
And fall to the ground
Green was getting old
But it's still around

It won't be long, though
Until the first snow falls
Another cycle of a year
The razor yet again calls

Sad ending. I like it.


Good work. I like it because it made you think, and it wasn't just all depressive.

Crit mine? 'The corner'... first page, near the top.

Thanks.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#6
Omg. twice i have tried to edit my last post but it makes my computer crash, so i am sorry for double posting.

The new verse is much better. But try use a more colourful word for red. Like crimson - although that is over used a lot now - but you get my drift. Maybe google shades of red or something.

And white is petrayed as being a bad thing in here, whereas generally it is viewed as being pure. So maybe watch out for that, i dunno, that could have been what you were aiming for.

good job though.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#7
Quote by atreyurock9
Cold and desolate
Nearly everything is still
A crimson drop hits the snow
The last of thousands spilled

Good imagery, and i like the wording.

Hours tick away
And day begins to recede
Another flick of silver to the wrist
Another cut bleeds

This is well written, you really pulled off the repitition there

Fresh white covers tainted red
But that too is soon dyed
Red and white are all that's seen
All other hues locked inside

Try changing "are all thats seen" "are only seen" to make it flow better, but do whatever you want

Then one day things start to change
The world is once again green
White and red still exist
But new shades are seen

"seen" was used in the last verse, see if you can find something else to rhyme

As time goes on
The red goes away
Traces of white remain
(Edited... Didn't like this stanza.)
But they also fade

Clock hands keep spinning
The crimson slowly disappears
Only small traces of white remain
Memories of spilt red tears

This verse conveys the change well

The world comes alive
Changes take their place
The rare red drop still exists
But only on the worst days

The first line is a little boring maybe "the world again revives"

Days become longer
Nearly eliminating night
Now there is life
Coldness takes flight

The symbolism is strong here, i like it

Warmth becomes prevalent
Days of sadness are gone
Life is almost carefree
But this time won't last long

I like how this starts to show the whole cycle of things starting over

Leaves start to turn brown
And fall to the ground
Green was getting old
But it's still around

"green was growing old" sounds a little more descriptive

It won't be long, though
Until the first snow falls
Another cycle of a year
The razor yet again calls

This is a good ending, i can almost even see repeating the first verse to give it the whole "cycle feel"


This was a pretty good piece, i've linked mine in my sig