#1
The title does exactly what it says on the tin. Thought I'd put it out in the public arena and have it crit'ed to find out if there's anything to it or if its just a bunch of pretentious crap! In no particular order,

This pain I'm feeling
A self fulfilling prophecy
And I pray for the end
But my prayer fall on deaf ears.
Negativity engulfs me
I think therefore I am
And now its time to find
A happier frame of mind.
My mood is made of glass
it can drop on shatter,
I pick up the pieces and cut my ****ing heart out.
So strip me bare of this costume i wear
I'm a fake and a fraud, you don't know me.
How can you? I don't know myself.
There's nothing to know, just a shell.
Self destructing in my self imposed hell.

They're not all that long.

And so, for crimes against my sanity
our love has been sentanced to death
You tie the noose my dear, I'll put it round my ****ing neck.
The hangman is waiting, stood just over there
If you ask him nicely darling he'll let you kick the chair.

The bottle empty, the damage done
I check the mirror to see what I've become
All I see staring back are dead eyes
Killed by the effort of keeping these lies.

Ok, I'll leave it there, no point in going on if you all think its crap!
So don't be shy guys, I put it out here for an honest opinion.
Cheers!
#2
thats some of the most depressing **** i've ever read.

I pick up the pieces and cut my ****ing heart out?

honestly?
#3
Sorry dude, there's every chance i wasn't in my happy place when i wrote it!
#4
Everything is worth keeping so even if you get a load of negative feedback, don't throw it away. I thought some of it was good writing, and the first stanza in particular has potential. The line that the other guy mentioned was probably the weakest one, amongst some pretty strong lines. You need to avoid cliches like "cut my heart out" and the swearing seemss slightly childish. Most of the stanza seemed sincere, so you don't want to screw it up by throwing in cliches. Idk what "just a shell" means but I like it, and those 2 lines are very strong. Also like "So strip me bare of this costume i wear", that's powerful in a strange way. This could be tidied up and made into a good,solid piece by removing lines such as "How can you? I don't know myself." which seem painfully weak next to the rest. If you could....comment on mine? in my sig.
#5
Best thing to do is post these separately, and tidy them up slightly. Just give the rules the once over first.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.