#1
Well, this is a mellow, soft rock, acoustic little number. Once I get down to recording it, I will post it on here. Pretty slow timing. Let your interpretations evolve. C4C, leave links, and thanks.


Destiny
Is in my hands
What do I do?
Let it drop
Give it away
Or sell it to you
I think I’ll
Throw it down
Deep in a well
Watch it fall
All along
A wishful trail

Wishing you back
Coming back
Let’s go back
Wave good-bye

Remember
When you had
To wake up
Morningtide
In your eyes
There’s the bell
All we were
Was what we saw
With our eyes closed
Now we’re just
Broken clocks
Telling time

Wishing you back
Coming back
Let’s go back
Wave good-bye

I see you now
But it has changed
Can you see me now?
Down the well
I just wanted
To wish you back


Which title do you like better, "Wish You Back" or "To Wish You Back"
anybody wanna put anything here just let me know
#2
I like "to wish you back" better personally


Destiny
Is in my hands
What do I do?
Let it drop
Give it away
Or sell it to you
I think I’ll
Throw it down
Deep in a well
Watch it fall
All along
A wishful trail
I like how you asked questions. I do that in most of my pieces. I think it keeps the reader thinking about the question you asked as if it were directed to them

Wishing you back
Coming back
Let’s go back
Wave good-bye
The word "back" gets a little old

Remember
When you had
To wake up
Morningtide
In your eyes
There’s the bell
All we were
Was what we saw
With our eyes closed
Now we’re just
Broken clocks
Telling time
The clock part is cool. The beginning kinda lost me though

Wishing you back
Coming back
Let’s go back
Wave good-bye
*see previous comment on this*

I see you now
But it has changed
Can you see me now?
Down the well
I just wanted
To wish you back
Questions are good. I like how you used them in this. I personally think I abuse them

Overall i'd give it a 7/10 Some parts I couldn't capture the flow but the parts that I could were excellent and I like your use of vocabulary. Keep it up!
Last edited by Twist of fate at Jul 5, 2007,
#3
I pretty much agree with everything twist of fate mentioned.

I think as well it would be a lot easier to read

if it
wasn't
written
quite like
this.

Maybe make the lines a bit longer just to help it flow. I can't really appreciate it so much with one or two words a sentence.

I know that is the style, but... meh.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#4
I kind of liked the choppiness of the lines.

I would suggest "Let's go/Wave good-bye" to take one of the "back"s out. I also like "To Wish You Back" better as a title.

Maybe "Throw it down/A deep well" instead of "Deep in a well". Just me though. I really like the clock part. Can't wait to hear the music.