#1
this is kind of an experiment. i really like this personally but i kind of am doubtful of whether or not i succeeded in making this understandable to other people. ill try to get back on crits but i cant make any promises because of computer problems ive been having, but i will try. thanks


Conversational elephants:
they're everywhere.
Hiding.
With trunks and big ears
roughly sticking out from the vaccuum
that keeps us
perpetually seperated
in some subtle way.
Seperated, even as we ran
hand in hand
into this dead end freedom
and as far from first impressions
as possible.
Last edited by sjada at Jul 6, 2007,
#2
hey, great title!
i liked the whole piece, especially the short lines as 'hiding', it adds some kind of dramatic tension. The only thing is that i feel that the ending isnt strong enough, imo i think you must add a little bit more, just a line or two max. Thanks for your crits btw, have a look at my last thread if you get a chance
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=621528
#3
thanks. i didnt even know you got this one already but i critted yours (which was great, btw)
i did think about adding something else onto the end but the one idea that i had would have been kind of an inside joke. i am still considering it tho if i think of anything new to add. thanks
#4
Quote by sjada
this is kind of an experiment. i really like this personally but i kind of am doubtful of whether or not i succeeded in making this understandable to other people. ill try to get back on crits but i cant make any promises because of computer problems ive been having, but i will try. thanks


conversational elephants:
they're everywhere.
hiding.
its fine because of the title, the whole elephant thing, but if I was just reading for pleasure and not to crit I would hate this, it just puts me off completely. the 'double-ambiguity' of the first line in paticular and then the fact that you don't give the audience any clue of what you are talking about in terms of exposition. I know you explain later and all (even in the next line) but for a first two lines these did not make the impact they need to in my humble opinion.
with trunks and big ears
I like it
roughly sticking out from the vaccuum
too many syllables for one line to have the audience take in your full meaning, plus, I dont like the word vacuum, specially when used in a 'non-household cleaning device' way
that keeps us
perpetually seperated
in some subtle way.
the contrast in the last two lines was incredibly done. Great job.
seperated, even as we ran
hand in hand
repeating seperated wasnt necesary here. The love cliche thing here worked well
into this dead end freedom
and as far from first impressions
as possible.
I dont really know what you were getting at in these last couple lines.


Overall, pretty good. Some technical things were off, but those are easily fixable. I guess the only real big thing I would suggest would be to be more explicit about the situation or action being described.

if you would: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=621826

#5
thanks synth
i see what you mean about the first couple lines, i had assumed that my meaning was implied but i guess it wasnt, i tried some capitalization to kind of link those, dont know if that helps, im still thinking about that anyways. thanks
#6
I think it's cute. I don't think I can draw enough of a conclusion about what you meant here, but I think that it's either a love poem or a political rant. If it's the political rant, I felt it was too easily picked up on, and to be honest I hate politics, and for some reason the imagery of elephants, the dead end freedom, and the idea of hiding or spying, is very...you know...liberal-politico.

Now on the other hand if it is a "love" poem. I feel the imagery of elephants isn't strong enough to say, "this is about love." I feel, and with the way elephants are presented in poetry and literature, elephants represent usually anger, obviousness, or or being trapped. That's how I see them for the most part. You think about an elephant in a room, you think about a caged elephant and how dangerous that is.

It seems too idealistic to be summed up so briefly, I think if you took this idea and expanded into something a little bigger, maybe two stanzas longer it may have the power to be something great in terms of metaphorical reverance.

-Matt-
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#7
Conversational elephants:
They're everywhere.
Hiding.

I like this.

With trunks and big ears
roughly sticking out from the vaccuum
that keeps us
perpetually seperated
in some subtle way.

This sentence is too long in my opinion. I don't know how you could rephrase it but it is really too much of a mouthful in its current state.
Seperated, even as we ran
hand in hand
into this dead end freedom
and as far from first impressions
as possible.

Once again, a really long sentence. Maybe break it up with some commas or something. It is hard to appreciate when you need to pause to draw breath at the wrong moment, which tends to leave you emphasizing words that perhaps weren't supposed to be.

I really like the idea, even though I have absolutely no idea what it is about. It might just be me, but I would like to see a bit more punctuation.

Good job. Crit mine? Either of the ones in my sig. Thanks.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#8
Conversational elephants:

Firstly, I love the title, I almost see this as pun, to mean 'conversational elements' but later on I'll explain where I think the Elephants come into this. I have to mention Matt's take on Elephants here - it seems 'world's wildest home videos' and Disney films pass as literature nowadays :/ - the first thing for me that comes to mind about Elephants is the illusion that they never forget, and this piece being a moment you've shared that you wish you could forever, but know will be tainted in the future.

they're everywhere.
Hiding.

For me, an excellent opening, the brazen approach worked for me, and is a paradox of sorts, that is maintained throughout the piece.

With trunks and big ears

This however, did feel slightly too metaphorical, and a too obvious line. This is the only place I could see expansion working in your favour.

roughly sticking out from the vaccuum
that keeps us
perpetually seperated
in some subtle way.

Separated/vacuum. Relating back, the vacuum for me implies you being together within the same space of air, yet never being about to touch because something is driving you apart. Like a vacuum - not a cleaner. :/

Seperated, even as we ran
hand in hand
into this dead end freedom

Again another mention of being driven in some way, although here together, but still with the reality that eventually when everything catches up with you, will force you apart. "dead end freedom" is a great expression, and to me conveys another illusion.

and as far from first impressions
as possible.

Continuing...This relates to me the worlds perspective of this situation, that perhaps everybody else saw the 'relationship' as a crush and nothing more. Yet as the previous few lines contradict, you see as something special and worth running away for, thus destroying everyones first impressions of you as perhaps a 'nice boy'. (not in the gay sense).

For me this was a great little piece that conveyed just enough to form a coherent meaning of its meaning. The only downside to this is the lack of character substance, while the meaning is their, and I am fully capable of putting myself in the situation, it lacks the personal touch, although I get the impression you never wanted that in the first place.


peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#9
I really liked it and there's not much to say cause everything's already been covered. Great piece. I really loved the title.
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#10
thanks guys!
and no it isnt a political poem, its a "love poem", maybe not the best term for it but im pretty sure a few of you guys were getting at where i was going for with this adn if not its open to interperetation anyways. thanks
#11
here's what i got from it, after reading it a few times: the "elephants" are people, listening, picking up on anything they can from a relationship of two people. they suck up information ("trunk") and listen in on anything they can (with "big ears"). the person/people in the relationship are trying to get away from the "elephants" perceptions. this may be a retarded explanation of the poem to you, but to me it makes sense. and it's awesome whenever a piece can potentially mean so many different things. on to the technical side: there could be some more punctuation, i didn't find the sentences painfully long, but it would clean things up a bit. the alliteration in the second last line is nice, and i am fond of the way "perpetually" and "possible" are somehow linked (hmm, may just be me). that's all i can say. except, i liked it, well done. if you don't mind commenting on mine, that'd be nice. in sig. (Your Mind Is A Moose) .. thanks.
#12
thanks, i already got tho yours i beleive. ill double check tho. if you have another one you want critted i can crit it tho. thanks
#13
i don't know if this is common usage of the word, but i immediately thought of elephants as problems in relationships with others.

basically, you ignore one little thing and it leads to another and another and pretty soon you've got a pretty large elephant on your hands. it's a distance between people who seem close, not openly acknowledged by anyone but felt by everyone.

yes?
#14
Quote by sjada
thanks, i already got tho yours i beleive. ill double check tho. if you have another one you want critted i can crit it tho. thanks

oops, sorry, so ya did. i just read this piece again, and i like it just as much today. and, nah don't worry about it.