#1
Well I posted this song a week ago or so, but I've changed some of the bits i was advised on, so I'm re-posting it to see what you think.

It's about my dad getting luekemia recently - just to help explain it.

Take him away.
Take him through the mud.
Kicking and screaming,
Without uttering
A word. Show him your work,
Show him with minds on
Something else.
Just keep this quiet.

I take after him.
Boiling all my thoughts,
Stew while they’re hot.
No one to trust
With such a great burden.
Carry on the coach
Watch you through the smoke,
As it sends you to sleep.

Pretend nothings happened
Or we’ll be late for work.
Light up a cigarette,
Stub it out as we go
Down south. Drive around
With your hair up high
Take that business call
And forget you were ever told.
That awful news,
That day I ran
From a great burden.
"They credited us with the birth of that sort of heavy metal thing. Well, if that's the case, there should be an immediate abortion." - Ginger Baker

Quote by alexlemon2
I've been here long enough, and nobody knows who teh fudge I am


I cry at night
#2
decent song, good idea to let the third "verse" go on for 11 lines; it like singles it out and emphasises more on itself
#4
i like the story told here. its complete

the only part i didnt understand was what you meant by
"Show him with minds on
Something else.
Just keep this quiet."
i might be just plain dumb though.

overall pretty good tho

keep up the good work and send your dad my best wishes
Quote by Dimebag22
This might just be the smartest guy in The Pit. I didn't believe Ethan when he told me there were smart people in The Pit But I was wrong.

yeah, thats me

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