#1
This is just an acoustic finger-picking-ish thing. Check it:

sin and uncertainty

these bars that you love
fit your hand like a glove
your always drinking
never thinking
what you should be thinking of

your apartment is gross
like something out of a toast
by a best man
at a wedding
who forgot the name
did not even get it close

pull yourself together
you might get hurt
by your own self-destruction
yeah with death, you constantly flirt

your parents just sigh
they don’t have to ask why
your dad beat you to much
mother didn’t love you enough
the normal excuses will fly

your friends all smoke pot
you chill in the lot
of the crack house
which is doused
in sin and uncertainty

pull yourself together
you might get hurt
by your own self-destruction
yeah with death. you constantly flirt

Co-Founder of The Weakerthans Fan Club
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My music --> Check it out!
#2
Really nice! I like acoustic pieces because it kinda sets the mood of these types of songs. I really like your vocabulary and the basic word setup for this. Very angry lyrics. The last line could use a better flow though. But nice job and thanks for the crit!
#3
Quote by Twist of fate
Really nice! I like acoustic pieces because it kinda sets the mood of these types of songs. I really like your vocabulary and the basic word setup for this. Very angry lyrics. The last line could use a better flow though. But nice job and thanks for the crit!


Thanks, dude! I'll think about that last line. I'm glad you liked it, because this is like the first piece I wrote that I liked...

Co-Founder of The Weakerthans Fan Club
PM me or TechnicolorBoy to join.


My music --> Check it out!
#4
i liked it, the only thing i didnt like was this line
"your apartment is gross
like something out of a toast"

seemed a lil forced and didnt make sense to me at least, but im an idiot so how would i know. but other then that i really enjoyed. keep it up, i could c this being a really good acoustic piece. could u crit one of mine, link is in my sig
My Music
http://www.myspace.com/theocifers
GUITARS:
Gibson ES-335
Gretsch Pro Jet
Guild Acoustic
1958 Harmony Hollowbody Archtop
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Vox Valvetronix AD50VT
Vox V847A Wah Pedal
Electro-Harmonix USA Big Muff
Danelectro Daddy-O
#5
Hey this sounds real good. I really like your first stanza
"these bars that you love
fit your hand like a glove
your always drinking
never thinking
what you should be thinking of"

Just sounds good, A good catchy part that everyone would remember. I agree with Texas on the "gross, toast" bit. That's really the only thing that seemed awkward to me.
#6
hhhmmm...to be honest, (no offence), i didnt see actual originality in this piece, however i like the title. the theme is very often + i dont like your rhyming scheme, it makes the whole piece sound less serious than it is. The only stanza i liked is:
"pull yourself together
you might get hurt
by your own self-destruction
yeah with death. you constantly flirt"
except u probably meant a comma instead of the fullstop.
Overall, it isnt bad, however i think you should write more and improve
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=621528
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=616539