#1
A miracle, you could call,
this item, as we stand in awe.
Amazing, it is
enough to wrap webs
as you sleep in beds

So to the stars
You shall fall
hidden from all mankind
but still seeing,
(you are just a sign,)
still living.
(of course we can just lie)

You don't need to wake,
just leave it all to faith.
first we just slander
then you get your answer

amazing, it is
enough to wrap webs
as you sleep in beds

So to the stars
You shall fall
hidden from all mankind
but still seeing,
(you are just a sign,)
still living.
(of course we just lie)

fall asleep tonight,
just for this one time,
tomorrow as you wake,
there shall be a new god,
in everyone's face.

well this is kind of political.just something i put together after watching this movie called zeitgeist(really good). crit for crit, just leave the link
Last edited by thefoundationof at Jul 7, 2007,
#2
A miracle, you could call,
this item, as we stand in awe.
Amazing, it is
enough to wrap webs
as you sleep in beds
This stanza is good but the first line isn't a great opener imo. The inside rhyme works but the meaning of the line isn't really powerfull. The call/awe rhyme is good but the web/bed is forced.

So to the stars
You shall fall-You can't fall to something you fall from something
hidden from all mankind
but still seeing,
(you are just a sign,)
still living.
(of course we can just lie)
Meh I didn't like this. I dunno just meh, didn't work.

You don't need to wake,
just leave it all to faith.
first we just slander
then you get your answer
Wake/faith is good, slander/answer isn't great. This starts to be confusing you haven't mentioned this item again, so I don't know what you are talking about.

amazing, it is
enough to wrap webs
as you sleep in beds
Gah, this isn't needed, the rhyme isn't great, the meaning isn't powerful. Just gah.

So to the stars
You shall fall
hidden from all mankind
but still seeing,
(you are just a sign,)
still living.
(of course we just lie)
The repetitions still don't work, I get the feeling that when you wrote this you ran out of ideas and just copied what you had from before hand

fall asleep tonight,
just for this one time,
tomorrow as you wake,
there shall be a new god,
in everyone's face.
It's a good ending but doesn't have much to do with the other stanzas. It does in the way you keep going on about him/her, but you are saying nothing conclusive about him/her. Just ramling. This was quite vague and could really do with some looking over. C4C: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=618599
#3
the first stanza is okay, except 'webs-beds', it sounds kind of forced, as confusius mentioned. Imo, the last line in the second stanza ruins it. Actually, i feel its all the same in all following stanzas -- starts good, ends with the forced rhyming. You dont ALWAYS have to perfectly rhyme and you can try different schemes for that. peace
c4c if u want
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=621528
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=616539