#1
when times were blue
i thought about you
all those things i wanted to say
but you turned your head away

did it seem to you that i was just
some ordinary guy you couldn't trust
well you're wrong }
because i wrote this song } x2
for you }
and only you

is it true that you don't take me for a fool
and if i asked, don't lie that would be cruel
i am ready to go through it all
your thoughts, your feelings
i want to read them all

but i've moved on from that
your eyes led me into a trap
i try to forget about you
and everyday i struggle to break through

_________________________

the second verse is lyk a chorus...any thoughts?
Last edited by willywonker at Jul 7, 2007,
#2
I don't really like it that much. It is extremely cliche, and you really don't use much of an extended vocab. at all.

I can feel the passion, I like the

because i wrote this song } x2
for you }
and only you

But other than that...meh.

Nothing stands out at all. It needs a lot of work. It may sound good sung, but as it is, no, not for me at all.
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#3
^ +1

a little more work would be great, and just flick through a dictionary... or a thesaurus. It'll do wonders.
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#4
lol, i agree with the previous comments. It is cliche, well, most of the love songs are like that + the rhyming sounds simply forced and childish, even if it came naturally to you. The only thing i liked is your listing of 'your thoughts, your feelings'....try writing about something else, come up with originality and extended vocab peace
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=621528
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=616539