#1
im in a block again and am trying to write my way out of it. heres something i wrote a little bit ago. i like the message, but idk about the way i presented it.


cotton cannibals,
welcome to the elephant parade.
you can keep your mouth open or closed,
cause here we never know what to say.
welcome to the elephant parade,
the crooked rings in the
crooked trees,
from the crooked wind
and the salty breeze.
pins and needles,
thread and thimbles,
my knees hurt,
and i just don't know why.

must be the power lines
running through my bones
guiding me
home to the
riceboy army that guards this
oriental hallway decorated with
our origami patronage.

Koyomo beach,
I will sleep,
the lone goldfish
in the algae filled
fishbowl,
tonight.
#2
wow lots of elephants in poetry all the sudden. interesting to see how other people are using them tho
but anyways i did think this was pretty well written, i thought the message worked well, especially with how you ended it, which for some reason really applealed to me.
there might have been a few parts where your execution could have been improved a bit but for coming out of a block i dont want to be too critical because i did think it was overall a pretty good peice
#3
thank you.

yeah this is the 2nd time ive used elephants in my piece, im probably done now
#4
i wont go in depth right now... but i'll say that the first stanza was quite good, other than the repetition of the "elephant" line... that didn't really work for me. the second stanza i didn't really like, though i'm having trouble putting a finger on why exactly. and the last stanza closed it nicely.
#5
cotton cannibals,
welcome to the elephant parade.
you can keep your mouth open or closed,

The last line seems really awkward, it threw me off a bit.

cause here we never know what to say.
welcome to the elephant parade,
the crooked rings in the
crooked trees,
from the crooked wind
and the salty breeze.

I don't know about the about using the adjective crooked x3 in here. Unless you were to use it to describe everything after the elephant parade line, it comes off oddly. I think it is because 'the wind' and 'the breeze' are the same things.

pins and needles,
thread and thimbles,
my knees hurt,
and i just don't know why.

I like this.


must be the power lines
running through my bones
guiding me
home to the
riceboy army that guards this
oriental hallway decorated with
our origami patronage.

Great.

Koyomo beach,
I will sleep,
the lone goldfish
in the algae filled
fishbowl,
tonight.

The commas seem weirdly placed . Especially the one linking the last two lines.


I only really pointed out the negatives there, as everyone else will highlight the positives no doubt.

But great job, I really enjoyed it.
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