#1
ok before i let you guys read it, i want to give you some background information,
my family got divorced, mainly my dads fault, he was a big dickhead, and a bitch,
he always said **** bout me, my mom, bu tnever my sister,
so i wrote this song bout a spider making a web, and me getting caught (the **** and lies he said, holding my life back)

Im Sitting here in my favorite sweatshirt,
writing about how we never got along

That big spider in the wall broke free,
made a web of lies and i could not get by
he has won again

[chorus]
This bunch of made up words,
throws me deep away,
from my normal,
from your lonely world

with a good heart, the spider has let me be
got bored and decided to start it up again
cant live free

This bunch of made up words
throws me deep away,
from your divide,
from myself

A dedication, to the greatest web,
got me and the family, and that spider then left
y did it insist, we gave up...
the female eats the male,
She wins against him, we all happy again

How long have we been caught,
our whole lives,
now back to normal,
and that spider...
is... all gone

Around the universe, the other side of the world...

crit for crit
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#2
Im Sitting here in my favorite sweatshirt,
writing about how we never got along

I like this for an opening, something luring about the simplicity of it.

That big spider in the wall broke free,
made a web of lies and i could not get by
he has won again

I'd leave out the 'big', or replace it with a better word. 'Big' just isn't powerful enough. The second line is really good. The third line I would change to 'about to win again'.

[chorus]
This bunch of made up words,
throws me deep away,
from my normal,
from your lonely world

This really doesn't make much sense. Last two lines especially. You need to work on this a bit.


with a good heart, the spider has let me be
got bored and decided to start it up again
cant live free

The 'with a good heart' seems really out. Maybe change it to -

'The venom in his heart seems to wane.
The spider lets me be - for now at least,
Until he decides to start again.

That's just me.


This bunch of made up words
throws me deep away,
from your divide,
from myself

Once again, the last two lines don't make any sense whatsoever.

A dedication, to the greatest web,
got me and the family, and that spider then left
y did it insist, we gave up...
the female eats the male,
She wins against him, we all happy again

First line is good. The rest just seems like you chucked a heap of emotions in, but didn't really think about whether it made sense. Can't say I really like this verse.

How long have we been caught,
our whole lives,
now back to normal,
and that spider...
is... all gone

Maybe change to -

Caught. Trapped for life,
Until we break the web,
And the spider flees

Just seems to make a bit more sense, and has a bit better flow.


Around the universe, the other side of the world...

Swap it to -

To the other side of the world, the universe.

More emphasis on the distance that way.



Good idea, I like the whole 'Spider and his web' thing. Some of it is really jumbled though, your chorus especially. Good job, with a bit of editing, it could be a lot better though.

Crit mine? Like Father. in my sig. thanks.
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#3
umm well hmm... i cant think of anything to tell you to do really, snowblind pretty much covered it. although to me it seemed a little detached, or like a puzzle that doesnt want to go together. although the idea of the spider web representing your fathers idiocracy is kind of a refreshing take on that situation, kudos on that. other than that, its a fairly decent set of lyrics, wouldnt mind hearing it with music, might even help the words fit better that way
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