#1
"Misery At My Side"

I ran, through the black of night
For days, and days
I lay broken from this burden
This weight on my shoulders
Your heart was open, and so my eyes

You alone, bore purpose to existence
You alone, drove misery from mind
You had given me nothing less
Than honest adoration
It was I that failed to see
The extent of your devotion

Could I have salvaged what was left
Had I discovered error in its origin?
Had I felt the prescence of affliction?
I am left with with lament in my heart
And misery at my side


I know not how far this path extends
To what point and purpose
Whatever the distance, I will follow
Whatever the distance, we remain
Last edited by NWP76 at Jul 8, 2007,
#2
I ran, through the black of night
For days, and days
I lay broken from this burden
This weight on my shoulders
Your heart was open, and so my eyes

Perfect. Nothing wrong here at all.

You alone, bore purpose to existence
You alone, drove misery from thought
You had given me nothing less
Than honest adoration
It was I that failed to see
The extent of your devotion

I would change 'misery from thought' to 'misery from mind'. Just gives slight alliteration, and still keeps the same message. I really like it though.

Could I have salvaged what was left
Had I discovered error in its origin?
Had I felt the prescence of affliction?
I am left with with lament in my heart
And misery at my side

Awesome. Just put a question mark at the end of the first line.

I know not how far this path extends
To what point and purpose
Whatever the distance, I will follow
Whatever the distance, we remain

Nice ending.


This entire piece is so touching, I can really connect with it. Awesome job, keep posting. Wanna crit mine? Either of the ones in my sig, thanks.
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#3
Thanks a lot. I'll make the changes you suggested but for this line

"Could I have salvaged what was left
Had I discovered error in its origin?"

It's one sentence. Maybe I should've had a comma. But thanks anyway, and yeah I'll critique both of yours.