#1
I am still working on this, I just made it to the chorus and now I kinda hit a dead zone, but any crit is apreciated.

I will be 80 and on my deathbed
you will be 81 and still be dancing
With your innocence result of a childhood pure

Do you ever feel like your fading away?
Monotomy makes the nights seem shorter...
I'm so lonely I just want someone to hold.

Living my cardboard life in a mystery
Just numb I feel nothing but want
And I just wish thst I was free

*CHORUS*
Beauty is
Only soul deep
But would you sin
to get off cheap?
#2
I will be 80 and on my deathbed
you will be 81 and still be dancing
With your innocence result of a childhood pure

Good, but I'd leave out the 'be' in 'still be dancing'.

Do you ever feel like your fading away?
Monotomy makes the nights seem shorter...
I'm so lonely I just want someone to hold.

The lines here don't really flow, you need to think of a way to link them.

Living my cardboard life in a mystery
Just numb I feel nothing but want
And I just wish thst I was free

The first line is good. The other two are cliche, and boring.

*CHORUS*
Beauty is
Only soul deep
But would you sin
to get off cheap?

This seems so forced. It is really poorly written compared to the rest of the piece. It is cliche as well. I'd scrap it completely, and try come up with something better.


With a bit of work this could be good, but as it is, it is too cliche and predictable for my liking.
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