#1
we'll survey this language with the hearts of critics
and drink from the wine of the words that flow
from the lips of a cheap date, smeared in lipstick,
saturated in mis-truth, and twisted meaning
and we'll swallow that sweet liquor
and convince ourselves of what we want
we'll take it all without a thought
because the wine, it speaks
wonderfully its music plays in our ear
teaching us to be our own
to ignore all meaning that comes with action
and to speak only for ourselves
when the morning's come


bolded is where im pretty unhappy
#3
Quote by i am the robots
we'll survey this language with the hearts of critics
and drink from the wine of the words that flow
from the lips of a cheap date, smeared in lipstick,
i would replace the first "lips" with something else just so your not repeating. otherwise its not a bad opening
saturated in mis-truth, and twisted meaning
and we'll swallow that sweet liquori like the alliteration
and convince ourselves of what we wantsounds awkward to me
we'll take it all without a thought
because the wine, it speaks
wonderfully its music plays in our eari think id put a comma after "wonderfully"
teaching us to be our own
to ignore all meaning that comes with action
and to speak only for ourselves
when the morning's come
i kinda feel that in these last few lines you were just trying to coast on the ideas you used in the first half without doing anything else original, personally i would just try to keep thinking about the message that you were trying to express in this last half and about the metaphores you used in the first half until you find something that you feel connects them and write off that

bolded is where im pretty unhappy

good beginning, i agree the the endig needs some work tho but it has potential
#4
first seven lines are pretty awesome. especially the "critics", "lipstick". very clever wording of all those lines but the flow dies down a little after this. one thing i can point out is that "wonderfully" should be on the previous line, it reads strangely the way it is now. although i like the last six lines, and what they're saying, they aren't constructed as well as the others. i'm fond of the final line, just because of the way it sounds. oh, one more suggestion .. in the fifth line, try "so" instead of "and" , it flows nicely that way. if you coudl.. comment on mine? Your Mind Is A Moose which is in my sig. peace.