#1
Alright, new one for me (kinda a different approach), grade 9 just ended, a little reflecting here. The bridge is a few of the things that happened this year (a.k.a inside jokes). You're not supposed to get them, or find that they're good writing, they're more for the people I wrote this for. Crit for crit as always.

Verse
Send to the corporal, he'll know what to do,
Even if he says to us "Try and get away."
She'll burn me alive tonight, in a last ditch attempt,
Hail Mary, bottom of the barrel, long shot.

Chorus
Hey there my beauty supreme,
Do you know what I mean,
When I say that your burning your own tonight?
No thanks to brigades and battalions.

Verse
If this wasn't fergalicious, then I don't know what is,
So inhale for me, and I'll exhale for you.
I'll sing the words you love, just so you don't untie and let me go.
The signals will spike when your decision comes.

Chorus
Hey there my beauty supreme,
Do you know what I mean,
When I say that your burning your own tonight?
No thanks to regiments and platoons.

Verse
Between the notch of forever and eternity, I'll sit in a rickety old lawn chair.
I know it'll never be over, until this shiny silver sun makes its way back to Japan.
Even after these pointless quotations have faded away.
You'll still have no idea what I'm thinking

Chorus
Hey there my beauty supreme,
Do you know what I mean,
When I say that your burning your own tonight?
No thanks to divisions and companies.

Bridge
Cellulites, Taco bell,
Transformers, 2 weels of living,
Weavle boards, Barbecuing,
Biking around, Secret Windows,
26-23 for you, Pointless jokes,
Countless hugs, stickball,
Keep a Soco Amaretto Lime on your nightstand,
Just to forget, it's over.

Chorus
Hey there my beauty supreme,
Do you know what I mean,
When I say that your burning your own tonight?
No thanks to regions and theatres.
7 of you.
7 is a small number if you think about it.
But god damn, is it big to me.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
Last edited by calvinthecanadi at Jul 8, 2007,
#4
Quote by brush200400
rap? bleh


It's not rap, read it to understand. Don't just assume.

And mathtscrazy, I don't give crits back unless they're decent crits, not just one-liners.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#5
Verse
Send to the corporal, he'll know what to do,
Even if he says to us "Try and get away."
She'll burn me alive tonight, in a last ditch attempt,
Hail Mary, bottom of the barrel, long shot.

Not a fan of this part, be it an inside joke or not- the last line just seems a little dry and tasteless, i always think the words just before the chorus should lift the song up and cleanjerk it over its head.

Chorus
Hey there my beauty supreme,
Do you know what I mean,
When I say that your burning your own tonight?
No thanks to brigades and battalions.

Dude, I dig this first line

Verse
If this wasn't fergalicious, then I don't know what is,
So inhale for me, and I'll exhale for you.
I'll sing the words you love, just so you don't untie and let me go.
The signals will spike when your decision comes.

Chorus
Hey there my beauty supreme,
Do you know what I mean,
When I say that your burning your own tonight?
No thanks to regiments and platoons.

Verse
Between the notch of forever and eternity, I'll sit in a rickety old lawn chair.
I know it'll never be over, until this shiny silver sun makes its way back to Japan.
Even after these pointless quotations have faded away.
You'll still have no idea what I'm thinking

this is my favorite verse, sounds real tight.

Chorus
Hey there my beauty supreme,
Do you know what I mean,
When I say that your burning your own tonight?
No thanks to divisions and companies.

Bridge
Cellulites, Taco bell,
Transformers, 2 weels of living,
Weavle boards, Barbecuing,
Biking around, Secret Windows,
26-23 for you, Pointless jokes,
Countless hugs, stickball,
Keep a Soco Amaretto Lime on your nightstand,
Just to forget, it's over.

Lol, this made me kinda laugh

Chorus
Hey there my beauty supreme,
Do you know what I mean,
When I say that your burning your own tonight?
No thanks to regions and theatres.
7 of you.
7 is a small number if you think about it.
But god damn, is it big to me.


Tight man tight, i hope the music sounds good!
Marijuana is the spice of life.

I Force Choke my penis when I masturbate.

8)-~
#6
Quote by calvinthecanadi
Alright, new one for me (kinda a different approach), grade 9 just ended, a little reflecting here. The bridge is a few of the things that happened this year (a.k.a inside jokes). You're not supposed to get them, or find that they're good writing, they're more for the people I wrote this for. Crit for crit as always.

Verse
Send to the corporal, he'll know what to do,
Even if he says to us "Try and get away."
She'll burn me alive tonight, in a last ditch attempt,
Hail Mary, bottom of the barrel, long shot.
i didn't really like the first couple lines to start the verse off with. however i do like the last two. i'm not really getting any meaning from it, but maybe i'm not supposed to. the third line is very cool though.

Chorus
Hey there my beauty supreme,
Do you know what I mean,
When I say that your burning your own tonight?
No thanks to brigades and battalions.
i really like this as a chorus. as i read it it seems like it could be very catchy when put to music.
Verse
If this wasn't fergalicious, then I don't know what is,
So inhale for me, and I'll exhale for you.
I'll sing the words you love, just so you don't untie and let me go.
The signals will spike when your decision comes.
haha, i love the first line. actually i like all of this except for the last line. "the signals will spike" just came off a little odd to me.
Chorus
Hey there my beauty supreme,
Do you know what I mean,
When I say that your burning your own tonight?
No thanks to regiments and platoons.

Verse
Between the notch of forever and eternity, I'll sit in a rickety old lawn chair.
I know it'll never be over, until this shiny silver sun makes its way back to Japan.
Even after these pointless quotations have faded away.
You'll still have no idea what I'm thinking
whoa, this part is extremely well written. especially the last couple lines. the first two lines seem like they would be hard to sing, but who knows if you are even planning on doing that.
Chorus
Hey there my beauty supreme,
Do you know what I mean,
When I say that your burning your own tonight?
No thanks to divisions and companies.

Bridge
Cellulites, Taco bell,
Transformers, 2 weels of living,
Weavle boards, Barbecuing,
Biking around, Secret Windows,
26-23 for you, Pointless jokes,
Countless hugs, stickball,
Keep a Soco Amaretto Lime on your nightstand,
Just to forget, it's over.
i get that this is only for certain people to understand...but if you were going to make it an actual song it seems pretty hard to work this in.
Chorus
Hey there my beauty supreme,
Do you know what I mean,
When I say that your burning your own tonight?
No thanks to regions and theatres.
7 of you.
7 is a small number if you think about it.
But god damn, is it big to me.


awesome ending. overall it was pretty unique, and i think it could turn into a really neat song.

crit mine?
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=623264
#7
Kind of a strange style you've got going on there... reminds me somewhat of Atreyu or the likes... not a bad thing, just strangely clichéd melodramatic terms. Not bad though, I just typically don't like things that are very long winded, they tend to stretch the point you're trying to portray. Regardless though, I liked.