#1
that's the real title, please don't close this time

also, i decided to edit out those last parts I didn't like and leave it less drawn out

we'll survey this language with the hearts of critics
and drink from the wine of the words that flow
from the lips of a cheap date, smeared in lipstick,
saturated in mis-truth, and twisted meaning
and we'll swallow that sweet liquor
and convince ourselves of what we want
we'll take it all without a thought


once more, critiques would be appreciated
#2
Quote by i am the robots

First of all, I love the title, genius.

we'll survey this language with the hearts of critics

I like this start, but I think "we'll" isn't a good word to start of the neginning line to a poem like this

and drink from the wine of the words that flow

This has got a good onomatopeia (sp?) if that's what I'm thinking of. Where the words flow really well, with all the w's in there...

from the lips of a cheap date, smeared in lipstick,

This is decent.

saturated in mis-truth, and twisted meaning

"Mis-truth" doesn't seem like the right word to use here. Maybe something else would work better, but that's just my opinion. I like it.

and we'll swallow that sweet liquor

I'd add one more word here, I think maybe "Sweet and sour liquor," might sound a little better and keep the flow going.

and convince ourselves of what we want
we'll take it all without a thought

This doesn't sound as good as your other stuff, but it's a decent ending.




Alright it's pretty good for the most part, maybe expand a little more on a few of the lines, just to open up the flower of creation :p. 7/10.
Crit mine?

"To All The Super-Dudes Listening."
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#3
I agree with calvinthecanadi is pretty much every way. "we'll' is not a very good way to start something with. It just doesn't flow good as a beginning IMO. And he was talking about 'alliteration' about the second line. Like i said, calvin pretty much summed everything up very nicely. And the title, i love it!!!!
Keep up the good work!
#4
Yep. He sums it up perfectly. I agree with everything that calvinthecanadi said, except its alliteration, not onomatopoeia.

Maybe where it says "saturated in mis-truth, and twisted meaning" instead of using mis-truth... maybe "saturated in false hopes, and twisted meanings"To me it just sounds a bit better.

Crit mine if you want. Even though mine is the start of a short story, i still want crits
'Crystal Clear (unfinished)'
I hate my username, it all happened in a rush


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#5
mis-truths is definitely what's needed there, touches on being lied to. the topic's really personal, so some of the word choices might seem out of place.