#1
This is my new piece. I need crit and feedback please. C4C.

Verse:
Cutting through the sky
Like a predator in disguise
Blazing burning
Returning to earth with its blazing fury
One last chance to make it right
Or one last chance to say goodbye

Chorus:
Spinning out losing control
Losing you mind and your body and soul
It’s almost over it’s nearly here
Just on last story to be shared
#2
Verse:
Cutting through the sky
Like a predator in disguise
Blazing burning
Returning to earth with its blazing fury

One last chance to make it right
Or one last chance to say goodbye

Third and fourth line are not really needed. If you wanted to keep the line then you could just re-write them or something. Could possibly change goodbye to goodnight to continue the flow.

Chorus:
Spinning out losing control
Losing you mind and your body and soul
It’s almost over it’s nearly here
Just on last story to be shared

you don't need 'and your' in the second line. Just make it read...
'Losing you mind, body and soul'
did you intend "on" to be one in the fourth line? If so its misspelled.



All in all, I've seen you dish out much better pieces. It seems to me like this was very rushed, so just take your time working on it.

Also it may just be me, but after reading, i still don't know what this piece is about. The main impression i got is that its through a pilots perspective or something along those lines.


Keep working on it, and im sure you can make it brilliant.

Cheers...
IRON MAIDEN
7 Feb 2008, Melbourne, Australia
23 Feb 2011, Melbourne, Australia
4 Mar 2011, Melbourne, Australia
------------------------------------------------------------
YouTube

#4
Verse:
Cutting through the sky
Like a predator in disguise
Blazing burning
Returning to earth with its blazing fury
One last chance to make it right
Or one last chance to say goodbye

First two lines, good stuff. But I dont think you need "Blazing Burning" as aside from Alliteration they dont add anything. And "Blazing fury" just show's Lazyness, it just doesnt sound right using the same word again.

Chorus:
Spinning out losing control
Losing you mind and your body and soul
It’s almost over it’s nearly here
Just on last story to be shared

Agree that the "and your" could be taken out for a more effective line.

I think this a piece very much in its early stage, You should just give it some time and work on it slowly. I keep reading it over, but i don't really know what the message across is.
And Like That. He was Gone.

My Lyrics

Love
#5
Quote by lmcca66
This is my new piece. I need crit and feedback please. C4C.

Verse:
Cutting through the sky
Like a predator in disguise
Blazing burning<-------dont like this
Returning to earth with its blazing fury
One last chance to make it right
Or one last chance to say goodbyestanza is pretty good

Chorus:
Spinning out losing control
Losing you mind and your body and soul
It’s almost over it’s nearly here
Just on last story to be shared


it just feels you can more to it but overall it was good my pieces are down here C4c