#1
Lyrics about love, that didn't work out. You can guess why. I usually don't write about love "straight-to-the-point" or smth like that, but this is an exception. Hope to get feedback!
Ps: And this is my very first post in here :P

When We Saw 3 Days

You, I just could imagin,
You, I could see in my dream,
With you, hand-to-hand walkin'
Only there, where we are unseen

You're just a line
Of words, what's in my story
In life, you doesn't need more
Than a caps-lock written loving
Our track was written wrong
Composer mixed-up the words
On guitar, you can't play the song
What's too difficult

That picture of you, got different tones
Belived that I know a lot of you
I had been too broadminded
Your mistakes were transparent too

You're just a line
Of words, what's in my story
In life, you doesn't need more
Than a caps-lock written loving
Our track was written wrong
Composer mixed-up the words
On guitar, you can't play the song
What's too difficult
#2
can't post two songs in the same day

well since it was deleted i'll just crit this one.


Quote by new-slang
you, I just could imagin,
You, I could see in my dream,
With you, hand-to-hand walkin'
Only there, where we are unseen


great opening verse. very shins-like.

Quote by new-slang

You're just a line
Of words, what's in my story
In life, you doesn't need more
Than a caps-lock written loving
Our track was written wrong
Composer mixed-up the words
On guitar, you can't play the song
What's too difficult


The only things I like in here are "caps lock written loving" and "Composer mixed up the words", which would sound better as "This composer jumbles his words" or something. everything else sounds way too forced and doesn't flow.

Quote by new-slang

That picture of you, got different tones
Belived that I know a lot of you
I had been too broadminded
Your mistakes were transparent too


you use alot of analogies to guitar that don't make sense. the first two lines aren't great, but the last two are pretty awesome.


all in all, pretty decent for a first draft. but the chorus right now sounds extremely rough and doesn't really stand out.

crit mine? it's "delaware"
Guitars - Epiphone Les Paul Standard (Cherry Sunburst)/Alvarez Acoustic/Electric cutaway
Amp - Vox Valvetronix AD30VT 30W
Effects - Boss OS2/Boss DD6 Digital Delay/Digitech RP50

lost city radio. (acoustic)

Songs
Substance and Color
Last edited by paulblestde at Jul 9, 2007,
#3
Quote by paulblestde
can't post two songs in the same day


Sorry, I missed that rules part. I deleted my other song and will add it in future again