#1
V1
It seems that, i forgot to call,
But i left some flowers, at your door,
And a card, That should explain it all,
How much I hope you, Dont get caught in the war,
V2
After all, I refuse to say "i'll miss you",
Cause if i do, Ill be telling the truth,
And we both know, That doesnt work for me,
But im sure theres a first, for everything,
C1
Im sorry, but this aint goodbye,
Cause no matter how,
Hard I try,
Your still on my mind

Im sorry, but this aint goodbye,
Cause no matter how,
Hard I try,
Your still on my mind
V3
And I hope you dont read this, Before your on the plane,
Cause you just might do, Something your not supposed too,
And I hope that you can, Forget my name,
Cause im the worst thing, Thats happened to you
V4
I never want you, to see me in pain,
Thats why i wrote this letter, Instead of seeing you off in the proper way,
And im sure, That you'll be great,
No matter what you do, your gonna be great,

Im sorry, but this aint goodbye,
Cause no matter how,
Hard I try,
Your still on my mind

Im sorry, but this aint goodbye,
Cause no matter how,
Hard I try,
Your still on my mind
B1
And when the plane takes off,
No tears will fall, No tears all,
Thats how you wouldve wanted it,
And I keep my promises
B2
No tears will fall,
No tears will fall,
No tears at all,
No tears at all..
No tears will fall,
No tears will fall,
No tears at all,
No tears at all..
B3
But i want you to remember,
That theres always someone,
Thinking of you,
No matter what you do, What you do..
B4
Can you do me just one last favour,
Can you burn all the photographs and songs ive written for you,
I want you to, start fresh, Brand New,
I want you to forget i ever existed.. I want you too...
B5
Forget me, Please,
Forget me, Please,
Forget me, Forget me

Forget me, Please,
Forget me, Please,
Forget me, Forget me
FC
Im sorry, but this aint goodbye,
Cause no matter how,
Hard I try,
Your still on my mind

Im sorry, but this aint goodbye,
Cause no matter how,
Hard I try,
Your still on my mind

************************

This is 1 hell of a long song...
Its a plea from me 4 somebody 2 move on with there life
Its also a sort self loath song... I like it and Il do Crit 4 crit
The times are changing
Last edited by narners at Jul 11, 2007,
#2
Black dot. I hope you don't mind, I will crit it tomorrow. It's late and im loosing concentration.
#4
not bad ...quite good work seems like you put in a lot of effort with the rhyming. Probably a better diction could make your work sound more mature. Sorry to say but this does have a look of beginners. Its a nice piece of work though. Your chorus is short but quite nice and goes in a flow. And i think the lines : - Cause no matter how hard i try (( -- it could come in the same line)) and to rhyme you could make a line with the word ' cry ' cuz i think that would really go with whatever you are trying to say. Something like - dont make me cry // or dont see me cry ... jus givin ideas... neways nice work man...keep it up..
#5
V1
It seems that, i forgot to call,
But i left some flowers, at your door,
And a card, That should explain it all,
How much I hope you, Dont get caught in the war,
Sounds great so far. The last line seems a bit long in the syllable count though.

V2
After all, I refuse to say "i'll miss you",
Cause if i do, Ill be telling the truth,
And we both know, That doesnt work for me,
But im sure theres a first, for everything,
This stanza is very very good. You kinda lost the rhyme here though.

C1
Im sorry, but this aint goodbye,
Cause no matter how,
Hard I try,
Your still on my mind
Very nice. I love how the rhyme scheme is ABAA thats sweet. I especially like how the rhymes are slant rhymes, which adds professionality.

Im sorry, but this aint goodbye,
Cause no matter how,
Hard I try,
Your still on my mind

V3
And I hope you dont read this, Before your on the plane,
Cause you just might do, Something your not supposed too,
And I hope that you can, Forget my name,
Cause im the worst thing, Thats happened to you
Wrong 'to' on the second line. The last two lines are very good. The most impactful of the stanza.

V4
I never want you, to see me in pain,
Thats why i wrote this letter, Instead of seeing you off in the proper way,
And im sure, That you'll be great,
No matter what you do, your gonna be great,
I actually liked how you ended the last two lines with 'great'.

Im sorry, but this aint goodbye,
Cause no matter how,
Hard I try,
Your still on my mind

Im sorry, but this aint goodbye,
Cause no matter how,
Hard I try,
Your still on my mind

B1
And when the plane takes off,
No tears will fall, No tears all,
Thats how you wouldve wanted it,
And I keep my promises
Second line I would have put 'No tears will fall, No tears at all'

B2
No tears will fall,
No tears will fall,
No tears at all,
No tears at all..
No tears will fall,
No tears will fall,
No tears at all,
No tears at all..
B3
But i want you to remember,
That theres always someone,
Thinking of you,
No matter what you do, What you do..
On the last lines I would take away the last 'What you do..' It doesn't have the same meaning as V4.

B4
Can you do me just one last favour,
Can you burn all the photographs and songs ive written for you,
I want you to, start fresh, Brand New,
I want you to forget i ever existed.. I want you too...
On the last line I would take out the 'I want you to' and just make it 'forget I ever...' And I like how you said I want you too at the very end. I would whisper that in the recording.

B5
Forget me, Please,
Forget me, Please,
Forget me, Forget me

Forget me, Please,
Forget me, Please,
Forget me, Forget me
FC
Im sorry, but this aint goodbye,
Cause no matter how,
Hard I try,
Your still on my mind

Im sorry, but this aint goodbye,
Cause no matter how,
Hard I try,
Your still on my mind

************************

All in all I loved it man. Keep up the great work!
Crit one of mine if you get the chance? In the sig.

#6
Hey, this song definitely has potential. The first, second, and third verses were great. Very effective. The fourth verse's second line was a mouthful for me, the repetition of "great" wasn't bad actually.

Also, watch your use of commas. Some of those were unnecessary. I guess it depends on your music though. Anyway, this is definitely something that you should keep working on- just slight tweaks here and there, and it'll be great. I like the concept of NOT saying goodbye, and I like how you say to burn all your songs even though you're giving them one right now.

I know the feeling of hard goodbyes, or non-goodbyes, and I think this exemplified it perfectly. Good luck if you feel like it, take a look at my most recent. Somewhere round here on the first few pages.
#7
It sounds good but it needs a bit of work. Too many commas and a few grammatic errors, but thats about all. Also its a bit long, but some good songs are long.