#1
This song has multiple themes, all based on my current mood. It's pretty straight forward, Crit for Crit.


Out of Necessity

I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately
Which is odd, that’s a first
My stomach is paining me
But not for hunger or for thirst

You know not how much I care
Or maybe you do
This I will never know
If only you knew

And I have been quiet for so long
My reflection surprises me
You’d think that I would finally get up
And find something to eat.

I see the dust on your window
And you follow me home
That red truck out side on the side walk
Has got to get going

And I’ll over think it all
My impulses begin to shout
If things were more simple
Then what would I think about?

And I have been quiet for so long
My reflection surprises me
You’d think that I would finally get up
And find something to eat.
#2
Out of Necessity

I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately
Which is odd, that’s a first
My stomach is paining me
But not for hunger or for thirst

I think the 'that's a first' part needs to change. It seems forced to me.

You know not how much I care
Or maybe you do
This I will never know
If only you knew

First three are good, but the last one doesn't really make sense.

And I have been quiet for so long
My reflection surprises me
You’d think that I would finally get up
And find something to eat.

I like this.

I see the dust on your window
And you follow me home
That red truck out side on the side walk
Has got to get going

I like it, not sure what the relevance of the red truck is though.

And I’ll over think it all
My impulses begin to shout
If things were more simple
Then what would I think about?

I don't really like this, I don't think it adds much, and it seems forced.

And I have been quiet for so long
My reflection surprises me
You’d think that I would finally get up
And find something to eat.

Great ending.

I like this, there are a few lines that seem weird, and just put in there as filler, but overall it was good.

Crit mine? Dreams Will Not Be...etc. On the first page, thanks.
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#3
Quote by Bmm386
This song has multiple themes, all based on my current mood. It's pretty straight forward, Crit for Crit.


Out of Necessity

I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately
Which is odd, that’s a first
My stomach is paining me
But not for hunger or for thirst
I like all of this, maybe the last line would sound better as "But it's neither hunger nor thirst"...I think the "for" before thirst just sounded a little extraneous, it bothered me for some reason. Nice rhyme.

You know not how much I care
Or maybe you do
This I will never know
If only you knew
"know not" sounds a bit pretentious, to be honest. The last line doesn't make sense to me. I don't know if it was put in there because it sounds cool (and it does, it just doesn't make sense), or if I'm not catching something. Explain?

And I have been quiet for so long
My reflection surprises me
You’d think that I would finally get up
And find something to eat.
This is great. No changes here, please!

I see the dust on your window
And you follow me home
That red truck out side on the side walk
Has got to get going
Good again. The way the last two lines are structured sounds a little odd to me. Maybe take out the "out side"?

And I’ll over think it all
My impulses begin to shout
If things were more simple
Then what would I think about?
I think this is great, and I can totally understand it. Overthinking things for the sake of thinking about them at all...the second line was kind of bland though, not really BLAND but bland considering that the subject is impulses Maybe "my impulses convulse and shout"? Is that too much? Try to throw another verb in there is all I'm saying.

And I have been quiet for so long
My reflection surprises me
You’d think that I would finally get up
And find something to eat.


I'll say this, I love all your concepts. Your choice of wording sometimes is so out there in a way that throws me off, but sometimes it's so out there in a way that makes it fabulous.
#4
Quote by Bmm386
This song has multiple themes, all based on my current mood. It's pretty straight forward, Crit for Crit.


Out of Necessity

I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately
Which is odd, that’s a first
My stomach is paining me
But not for hunger or for thirst

You know not how much I care
Or maybe you do
This I will never know
If only you knew

And I have been quiet for so long
My reflection surprises me
You’d think that I would finally get up
And find something to eat.

I see the dust on your window
And you follow me home
That red truck out side on the side walk
Has got to get going

And I’ll over think it all
My impulses begin to shout
If things were more simple
Then what would I think about?

And I have been quiet for so long
My reflection surprises me
You’d think that I would finally get up
And find something to eat.


The first verse isn't very good, in my honset opinion. You've got a great starting line, but the 2nd and 4th lines seem very forced, as if you were looking for whatever two words happen to rhyhme- the line 'that's a first' gives that away. The third is ok, could be better, I suggest you take out the 'is' and change 'paining' to 'pains'.

Same goes with the second verse, a great starting line, but everything else seems forced. You did a better job with the first verse imo, the overall quality of this verse is too cliche and very predictable. The message is very clear, you just need to change its delivery.

The chorus is all good except for the last line. You've done a good job setting the mood with your first two verses, but 'And finding something to eat' just turns the second half of the chorus into something like a failed comedy. It seems to add unneccesary humour that just doesn't fit the mood. Change it, and your chorus should be fine.

For the third verse, the first two lines are good (though I think the second one could be better, but it still works), but the next two lines should be changed. It seems like you're just adding whatever sounds good to the verse just for the sake of completing it. The red truck isn't relevant (if it is, then you should elaborate on this, or try and make its relevance mre clear), and the mere mention of it shows how forced this verse is.

The fourth verse is my favourite part of this song. Very understandable, and some audiences will be able to relate to it.

Overall, it's a decent song, but some of the verses are too forced and predictable. The song has potential and with a bit of work, it could turn out great. Sorry if some of my criticisms were too harsh, I'm just telling you what I think.

Crit mine?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=625298
Last edited by guitarkid12345 at Jul 11, 2007,
#5
great..... it related to me in a good way, good job here, and the red truck reference might not make sense to me but it kinda gives me a hometown feeling or that the red truck symbolizes something, havent quite figured it out yet but good work.
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Squier Affinity Strat
Alvarez Acoustic

Amp
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Pedals
Digitech RP120
Boss Chromatic Pedal Tuner

Strings
Dean Markley 10's

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