#1
Right then, C4C?

Break Me Free.


Break Me Free
I don't want this anymore
I'm trapped between you and my mind
There's no way out

A Light through the rift
Break me free
From my thoughts and your beauty
I take one step forward and thrown six steps back

Falling down the staircase to nowhere
Falling into the depth of plain friendship

I can't expect more of you
Because just like me, you can only be yourself
Break me free of the curse you have on me
Break me free of my mind

Break me free of this spell
Break me free of the bind you have on me
Why did you think this happened?
I wouldn't know

What I know is that everything happens for a reason
I guess fate brought us like this
The hope of togetherness
But the true fact it just wouldn't happen

Break me free of fate
Everything must happen for a reason
I don't blame you or myself
Theres no one to blame
It's just a trap
Nothing can solve anything

Please, break me free.
#2
i liked it, i really like the line "break me free of this fate" i liked it.....good job heres mine

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=625612
Guitars
Fender Highway One Telecaster
Squier Affinity Strat
Alvarez Acoustic

Amp
Crate GLX65

Pedals
Digitech RP120
Boss Chromatic Pedal Tuner

Strings
Dean Markley 10's

Member of the Zeppelinism Faith
PM TheHeartbreaker to join
#3
this is my favorite part it was really well done
"Break me free of this spell
Break me free of the bind you have on me
Why did you think this happened?
I wouldn't know"

overall it was a great piece 7/10

c4c mineis in my sig
#4
overall it was great,
one of the best pieces ive read/heard in a long time.

ps. i like the colour
LEAFS FOR CUP
#5
Overall, I liked the idea, but I feel like the piece was really scattered, almost as if you took a thought and ran off with it, which is good sometimes but when there's definite structure. I'd like to see any revisions though, it has a lot of potential and would probably make a good song My newest piece is in my sig if you'd like to take a look "Overboard".
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
#6
I am sorry, but I didn't like this at all. You didn't use any imagery, and in a piece like this it was really needed. The sentiments that you were portraying came through very obviously, but it was too obvious. I've read lines like these a million times before - what I was missing was your own POV, your own words that would show your personal style. Granted, I don't expect everyone (including myself) to have a style formed to a tee, but I still think that something should make this piece memorable. Unfortunately this wasn't.

There wasn't much wrong with the piece, it was just that there was a lot missing to make it as strong as it can be.

Will keep reading.

Carmel
This is not a pipe
#7
Definitely one of the better poems I've read in awhile. I enjoyed the general theme of it, and in a lot of ways I can relate to it as well (a major plus). The only thing I noticed was "But the true fact it just wouldn't happen", I didn't think the "true" was really all that needed. Overall, I really, really liked it. Great job.

Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=9892318#post9892318
Last edited by Ringtone at Jul 11, 2007,