#1
so I'm sitting here in my office(not as posh as it sounds), somewhat surfing the internets, writing some lyrical notes to myself as I have nothing better to do today, and I remember how much I liked posting in this section on this website. So here are the notes I've written, it'll save me the effort of bringing home these post-its. It's a bit choppy, at least a small fraction of that is on purpose. In the meantime I think I'll try and start posting here more often. Good luck, and crit for crit.

Tungsten Rotary
-----------------------------------
Light-bulb burns over your bed
Pull the chain that dangles overhead
Hard enough that it might break under the stress
With the lights turned out
I can't see my own hands

Popping sounds echo in my ears
As I hover over your body
The last beams rush to the corners of the room
Fall to the floor in shades of gray and purple
or disperse on summer drenched skin

Moonlight grows at the depths of curtains
as the night slowly wanes
Not an entirely alien landscape
Rolling hills heave in earthquakes
Still gasping for oxygen
Reaching for words floating in air
In hopes they might be tangible

Basement smells of cedar
Nose carved out of marble
Arched like metatarsals
Wax figurines melt into one another
The sun rises to collect our sins
Choose to shape and sculpt reality
upon the foundation of my tactful good-byes.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
Last edited by Knife2aGunFight at Jul 11, 2007,
#2
This is beautiful. Every word seems perfectly chosen, and creates a stunning image. The only criticism that I can offer is that I think your opening stanza is much weaker in comparison to the others. I would work on developing that, and maybe not being so blunt with your words because I don't feel like it fits with the rest of the piece. And I'd change the first line of the second stanza to Popping sounds echo in my ears, I think it sounds better that way. But this is a great piece, really good work!
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
#3
Jesse!!

Tungsten Rotary
-----------------------------------
Light-bulb burns over your bed
Pull the chain that dangles overhead
Hard enough that it might break under the stress
With the lights turned out
I can't see my own hands

While I am aware that the intention here is for this to sound choppy, it is slightly overkill. Perhaps if you aren't willing to add extra words, then basic punctuation would solve the issue to a degree. Although this is all personal taste, I love the sense of flow and rhythm in pieces. As for content this is great, only one qualm, just for the sake of enhanced flow I'd consider moving "Hard enough" to the end of L2, just so the sentence looks as though it is continuing.

Popping sounds echo in my ears
As I hover over your body
The last beams rush to the corners of the room
Fall to the floor in shades of gray and purple
or disperse on summer drenched skin

See this throws me off, this stanza read perfectly, the line breaks are spot-on and everything seems excellently placed. I couldn't discern any extra meaning from the colour purple though, assuming of course the walls aren't purple. Other than that another decent stanza.

Moonlight grows at the depths of curtains
as the night slowly wanes
Not an entirely alien landscape
Rolling hills heave in earthquakes
Still gasping for oxygen
Reaching for words floating in air
In hopes they might be tangible

The first two lines are stunning. L3 really stuck out as being too alone. The next 2 work fine. I like how the stanzas involving you and the girl are jumpy, almost nervous, and the stanza about the mis-en-scene flows smoothly. The last line kinda cries out for 'the' as the second word - In the hopes..

Basement smells of cedar
Nose carved out of marble
Arched like metatarsals
Wax figurines melt into one another
The sun rises to collect our sins
Choose to shape and sculpt reality
upon the foundation of my tactful good-byes.

I'm not sure about the jumpy nature of this stanza. I'd try and follow the juxtaposition I mentioned above. Add 'the' to L1, then 'as' to begin L5. I loved the ending too, really made everything tie together. Overall a successful piece, for such sporadic notes you did a great job of piecing them together.

I'd also like to add it would be great seeing you around here more, you were a great asset to the forum a while ago, and even won yourself a WOTM. Hopefully you'll stick around.

peACE
Steve
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#4
First of all thanks for the crit. I appreciate it. I liked the lack of rhyming, it kept the piece interesting. However I didn't like the choppy nature of the piece. For the most part, I like my pieces to have a seamless flow. I did enjoy the third stanza and thought the last line was very emotional. Personally, I would add parentheses around the "Not an entirely alien..." line. Also the two closing line were brilliant. Anyways, it's great to see you back.
#5
Quote by Knife2aGunFight
You son of a bitch.

Tungsten Rotary
-----------------------------------
Light-bulb burns over your bed
Pull the chain that dangles overhead
Hard enough that it might break under the stress
With the lights turned out
I can't see my own hands

I don't like when people start lines with verbs, I try to avoid but it'll slip through sometimes. I would put the narrator into the lines with verbs as starting words. I'd also put an article in front of light-bulb, just say light-bulb is silly sounding, sounds like it's a person's nickname that just out of jail.

Popping sounds echo in my ears
As I hover over your body
The last beams rush to the corners of the room
Fall to the floor in shades of gray and purple
or disperse on summer drenched skin

Yeah deffinately change the starting verb words here, it's really, bleh. The 2nd line is bad compared t the descriptive nature of the other lines. What I'm feeling here is not a whole entity, put more of seperate lines relating to the same subject. It's very torn apart, and it's really, I'm trying to think of the word, the connectivity and the unity isn't really showing and it reads very robotically.

Moonlight grows at the depths of curtains
as the night slowly wanes
Not an entirely alien landscape
Rolling hills heave in earthquakes
Still gasping for oxygen
Reaching for words floating in air
In hopes they might be tangible

The first line is silly. I guess you're talking about a fold or a crease in a curtain and the moon shining through that, but the description here is really, really bad. The later part starting with rolling hills is good.

Basement smells of cedar
Nose carved out of marble
Arched like metatarsals
Wax figurines melt into one another
The sun rises to collect our sins
Choose to shape and sculpt reality
upon the foundation of my tactful good-byes.

You're just listing things. It's a bad, bad, bad mistake when you stop describing a scene and just start listing things in that scene. It's tacky, and it's really, really jumpy. Articles will save this from being bad. I swear to you a couple the's, and's, and a's and this will be a solid piece. Remeber not to list things in a very mechanical way and to describe the scene in uniform, flowing from one piece to the next, not sporadically jumping from each item and description.

Even if it does prove a point, it's still bad.


Overall, it's not bad, it can be good if you make those fixes, use articles and use your descriptions more flowingly.


-matt-
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#6
Thanks all.
Yes, those that are finding this especially jumpy, it was meant to be told by a narrator that was rather scatterbrained and incensed, so the way he would be saying things would be rather clipped and stream of conscious. The fact that he is listing things is a result of it being the order in which these sensations are hitting him.

Matt, the whole moonlight at the depths of a curtain thing. If one were to take a time lapse photo of a curtain you might see the light at the bottom "grow" up at the bottom of the curtain and reach upwards. Yeah probably didn't convey that very well.

If I ever choose to do anymore with this scene I will probably go about taking some of the descriptions and making it flow really nice and such. But depending on if it'll be used for poetry or song, I might leave it clipped to maintain intensity.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#8
You've received quite a few elaborated critiques, so please excuse my more humble version.

I really liked the piece in general. I thought it lacked punctuation and I think that was the main issue, at least for me.
I enjoyed the seemingly incoherency of the piece regarding its subject matter and the progression of thought throughout the stanzas and I felt that your wording and some of your phrases were fantastic.

The other thing I would point out though, I really felt like the piece became more dramatic and grand as it moved forward, however I really thought that it should have ended on a more subtle note, returning to the beginning of the first stanza. Perhaps it's a personal preference though.

I extremely enjoyed reading your piece and hope to see some more of your creations soon.

Carmel
This is not a pipe