#1
Just something that came out, it needs to be tidied a lot.


Matrioshka

Sat just within the cusp
of a perveying moon, a girl
an hour shy of twelve
awaits the break of day.
She hoped the surveying sun
would extend it's horizons
beyond her meagre reach,
to a corner of the room
beneath her bed, where
she doesn't dare allow the
shadows to caress her fingertips,
not even once. It was exactly
there a few days ago her
favourite marble had rolled
against the towering walls,
and had twinkled at her
ever since.

So with a wanton look she
pulled a fading star from the sky.
Holding it like an errant
raindrop, spilled it in
the centre of the room,
it's dying light journeying
through the valleys of shadows.
On her chest she crawled
under the bed, while letting out a
thankful sigh finally touched
the cold glass ball with her
fingertips...The twinkling
stopped and she felt the
warming glow of her fading star
recede into nothingness.
With it, any lasting trace
of the marble, and her existence.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Jul 11, 2007,
#2
Astounding imagery. I liked the ideas too.

While letting out a
thankful sigh finally touched
the cold glass within her
fingertips...

subject? I see that you don't say what subject is in other parts (and yes, we know it's the girl) but it seemed incomplete to punctuate it like a sentence for me. Maybe it has something to do with the very nature of Matrioshka dolls? I don't know. Maybe the ... represents the lack of a subject in this instance but it made it unclear to me. And, touched the cold glass within her fingertips... It works but it doesn't seem very natural to say that when she first touches it, it is within her fingertips. Just my opinion.

That being said, I enjoyed reading this immensely. I can just picture the little girl and everything thats happening. The contrast of asking for sunlight then using stars and moon caught me off guard but then I think I caught on. I love the diction as well. It was fitting and almost mysterious in parts.

I loved it.


Yeah, I ramble...
Anatomy Anatomy
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Park that car
Drop that phone
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#4
well firstly, the diction and imagery here are quite flawless, I'd say my only criticism as far as that goes is the word "spilled". Although not bad by any stretch of the imagination I think that word could be replaced by something that gives that idea a bit more uhmmfff.

And just reading such a pretty scene was enough to make this quite enjoyable, although I think I struggle with the overall meaning, I imagine there is more to it than meets the eye of course. I keep trying to liken the girl or the marble to Earth etc etc, just all the imagery indicative of heavenly bodies and such.

and I think at that lack of understanding the ending comes off as a bit dry for my tastes.
But as far as just reading some delightful prose, well done.
If you'd like you can always stop by mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=626080
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
Last edited by Knife2aGunFight at Jul 12, 2007,
#5
I really want to answer your question regarding the meaning to this actually, I don't normally.

If you bring the title into the concept then it is slightly clearer. Matrioshka is one of the names given to the Russian dolls that fit into each other. The whole piece is about extinction and the continuous flow of life and death / light and dark. The marble is eaten by a shadow (dark), the star (light) is "eaten" by her, who is eaten in the darkness (dark) which although briefly mentioned will be eaten by the sun (light). If read into enough she only lives when there is light on her, yet disappears when the light runs out; with that in mind she may be "revived" when dawn breaks, you can decide that. It works on the theory that although you know you put all the smaller dolls inside a bigger one, are they really there...? You'll never know.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#6
ah I knew I should have thought more about the title, I disregarded it for some reason.
Excellent piece.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#8
Oh damn... thats good. I never would have figured out the whole revival thing. That works perfectly with the idea of the dolls, as you pointed out. I was thinking more of a hiding in the doll thing at first, but now, I like this that much more.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#9

I hate giving crits when I can't understand half the words... time for dictionary.com


Matrioshka

Sat just within the cusp
of a perveying moon, a girl
It seems somewhat awkward to me that you end with a girl.. instead of begin..
an hour shy of twelve
awaits the break of day.
that is phrased beautifully but since when does the sun rise at 12???
She hoped the surveying sun
would extend it's horizons
reach for it's horizons sounds cooler to me but whatever...
beyond her meagre reach,
to a corner of the room
beneath her bed, where
she doesn't dare allow the
shadows to caress her fingertips,
wow.. those lines are well done.. they make sense of lines 5+6.. maybe you should reverse them.... it would just make a single read through this piece make more sense... whatever..
not even once. It was exactly
there a few days ago her
favourite marble had rolled
against the towering walls,
and had twinkled at her
ever since.
what color was the marble... I just think you could go a little bit deeper with that.. and how it rolled away...

So with a wanton look she
oohhh... sexual look ha ha.. I'm so immature...
pulled a fading star from the sky.
I don't understand what this symbalizes...
Holding it like an errant
raindrop, spilled it in
the centre of the room,
here in america we say center... ha ha... and color..
it's dying light journeying
through the valleys of shadows.
that is cool...
On her chest she crawled
under the bed, while letting out a
thankful sigh finally touched
the cold glass ball with her
still no color????
fingertips...The twinkling
stopped and she felt the
warming glow of her fading star
recede into nothingness.
With it, any lasting trace
of the marble, and her existence.
ohh.. cool...


big words=bad

actually I understood
more than I thought I would

Good piece... umm.. is there an alternative meaning though than just a girl being like afraid of the dark??? Thats all I was able to take away from it...

never mind... i see your post... I like how I interpreted it better... Its simpler...
Promises meant a lot back then.
Last edited by ninja monkey at Jul 12, 2007,
#10
Thank you for the crit, I appreciate. I enjoyed reading this piece and I liked how it flowed continuously from start to finish. I also liked the image and that it able to paint a clear picture in my head. You were able to talk imagery that has been used many times before (stars, sun, shadows) and turn it into something unique. Also, I agree with Jesse that "spilled" should be replaced by something else.
#11
Thanks so much guys, I am re-writing this, so expect the new one up soon.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.