#1
Prisoned cacophony, conductor in captivity
Conducting a forbidden symphony
Hes constructing the anatomy
While planning to break free
And Ive got the key, Ive got the key
Im goring the doorway, everybody screams
"Blasphemy! Blasphemy! Blasphemy!
Calling on a lockdown
This could be Satan himself
Youd never understand, even in first person
Youre calling a lockdown on yourself
Crossing my ears with the blade of dissonance
No longer will I perspire with this
Ill narrarate from third person
The prolouge being my projection
The epilouge being your demise
The rest will be unwritten
For the astral lover in the skies
#2
hmmm... i'm not quite sure what message is trying to be conveyed. it just seems like an abundance of words were pulled from a dictionary/thesaurus and twisted into something vague and unclear. but, that's just me.
#3
well if you cant pull something from this its your own damn fault. Maybe pick up a dictionary and learn what those words mean. They all ****ing relate to eachother.
#4
i know what they mean, and all words can relate to each other. i merely said that the song meaning/story is unclear, and i highly doubt that i will be the only one to say so.
#5
well i understand it
if you cant interpret it in your own way then its your problem. not trying to sound like an ass, im really not. just saying
#6
That's no way to take criticism, you know. He's trying to help by explaining that the song's meaning is unclear to him. You wrote it, so of course you would understand what's going on in the song. But for the rest of us, it feels like you're babbling. I'm in the same boat as he is, I can't make heads or tails of it. I wouldn't know where to begin with a criticism because I don't understand it. Perhaps if you explained the song, line by line, we could give you some productive criticism?
#7
Prisoned cacophony, conductor in captivity
A conductor makes music right? He cant make beautiful music if he's in captivity. A metaphor for how he needs to break free out of everything to make something beautiful.
Conducting a forbidden symphony
Hes in captivity, hes not allowed to do anything. Hes trying his hardest to create something powerful but he will get ridiculed for it.
Hes constructing the anatomy
While planning to break free
And Ive got the key, Ive got the key
Im goring the doorway, everybody screams
"Blasphemy! Blasphemy! Blasphemy!

Again, along the lines of ridicule
Calling on a lockdown
This could be Satan himself
Youd never understand, even in first person
Youre calling a lockdown on yourself

Pretty much a metaphor for the parochial views of everyone around him and how they would never understand.
Crossing my ears with the blade of dissonance
No longer will he perspire with this

He will no longer grow or mature with everyone around him.
He'll narrarate from third person
No longer will he be himself in 1st person watching everyone around him, but he'll be the outsider he always was watching and judging everyone.
The prolouge being his projection
The beginning will be his projection..his soul from his body
The epilouge being our demise
The end will be our death
The rest will be unwritten
For the astral lover in the skies

The body of the "story" will be documented by himself. It is unwritten meaning he has to witness it to tell.
#8
it pisses me off when people cant pull meaning from something. Just like **** its not my problem. Sorry if i sound like an ass. Just theres a meaning in it for me and theres hopefully a meaning in it for you. i cant choose it of course. Its just however you take something
#9
I found ithard to understand lol but I'm not that clever so.
There was something about this piece I liked alot.
The flow started off very good, Kinda went a bit messy at the end but it didnt really make that much of a difference to the piece.
It seemed personal and well though out so i did really enjoy it.
Nice job =)
#10
i thought it was alluding to the conductor who united a chorus in the german POW prison in WWII.....
Songs!
Something's Changed
Frost

BC Rich Mockingbird Evil Edge
Dean Palomino Vintage Sunburst
Indiana Scout Acoustic in Sparkly Blue
Kustom Arrow 16DFX, soon to be a Vox Valvetronix 50
Dimebag Custom Crybaby
Fab Tone
#11
Quote by i_got_novacain
I found ithard to understand lol but I'm not that clever so.
There was something about this piece I liked alot.
The flow started off very good, Kinda went a bit messy at the end but it didnt really make that much of a difference to the piece.
It seemed personal and well though out so i did really enjoy it.
Nice job =)

thank you and yes maybe at the end it didnt flow as well but oh well
and yes it was very personal, in ways im happy it is hard for others to understand. just its kinda bout living and others telling you youre doing it wrong, but they cant say anything since theyre holding you back from being what you want to be. a conductor is supposed to make music but he cant because he is restrained. he gets ridiculed for it. he wants to escape..like suicide i guess you could say. he looks at his life as a story, one he will document himself, not anybody else. You could look at it in many ways. Like love, life in general, etc
#12
I'm going to give you two crits for this piece, tell me which one you found to be more helpful:

I think overall the piece painted a nice picture in my mind, but it's more of an abstract picture than anything. What I'm saying is, the individual lines were good on their own, but they don't really form one conclusive piece. I think if you put more emphasis on creating unity and cohesiveness rather than showing off your vocabulary, it would help a lot. If no one who's read it can understand it, maybe it's your fault rather than ours. You have to decide who you're writing for, you or us. If it's you, cool, do what you want. I still enjoyed reading it even though what you were trying to say went over my head.

or

In the grand picture, my most sweeping scruple was that although your writing created a complex tapestry of images in my imagination, this labyrinthine impression which, while unmistakably interesting, was quite nonconcrete. Perhaps if you dedicated a bit more effort to creating a coadunation between the various thoughts contained within, it would greatly benefit your work, with the prologue being extremely verbose, and the epilogue being equally tautological. What it boils down is you have to determine your intended audience. If the target for your piece is none other than yourself, then you did more than adequately. I took great pleasure in experiencing this, even if I did remain insouciant to your intended purpose.
#13
I have seen you go through and tell everyone what you meant through it but ill tell you what I got from it. Pretty much that some body feels trapped by expectations and wants to escape to show his full potential, but society wont let him and that it will only end with his death. Anyway I thought it was very well written. As to everyone saying they couldnt understand, maybe you should sit and think about these things instead of going through only once or twice then posting. Also if any poet just wrote things directly so everybody could understand it easily, well they wouldnt be good poets. Poems are supposed to make us think, and then when we get a meaning of it from thinking long and hard about it, we are rewarded by a great feeling and depth of knowledge. Anyway if you have time take a look at my poem, https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=628782 cheers.
#14
Bananaboy has it exactly right. Thanks for the explanation btw, I think I get it now. If it's just for you then I really don't have a crit for it. It really is a well-written piece. I think the way the flow kinda unraveled at the end actually works within the context, so that's cool.
Hey feelbad, I spent about 5 minutes thinking over this thing before I posted, just like I do for all the songs I crit here. Just because you get it doesn't mean it's clear to us.