#1
I wrote this for my gf, seeing as how she moved, its hard for us to see eachother, so this is for her, as in almost all of my pieces, the flow is how I want it, do NOT crit on the flow Will crit 4 crit

Verse
I sit alone in the dark
gazing at the wall
my mind races with thoughts
as my eyelids begin to fall

praying to god
that we will meet again
and never have to say goodbye

hoping that
you'll come to me
so i can wipe the tears you've cried

Chorus
Broken by the distance
my love begins to fail
and can't be recieved this instance

Not a day goes by
that I don't regret
the day we had to say goodbye

Verse
I hold my breath
and close my eyes
and let my dreams
fill my head with white lies

Everyday we say
that "time heals all"
but what if your cure is far away?

What do I do
when you tells me to wait
but my will won't hold on any longer?

Chorus repeats

Bridge
the phrase
"I miss you"
is a byproduct of
lack of love

as if that
makes the pain
just float away
or vanish in the haze

how I hate the days
when love
falls victim to greed

Chorus repeats
My guitars:

Ibanez RG5EX1
Eleca Dread Acoustic
Dean ML

My FX: Line 6 Floor POD Plus

In the end, fact means nothing,
its all about perspective
#2
i like it you get your point across of how you miss her and near the end it starts to feel like your kida losing hope or thats what i get from it

the phrase
"I miss you"
is a byproduct of
lack of love

those are great lines and my favorite
overall you easily convey whats goin on and how you feel about her moving away
i like the structure too
keep up the good work and thanks for the crit
ED REED BABY
#3
I love you. That was amazing. I love you.
That was stunning. I loved it because I know exactly how you feel. I cannot see the girl I love very much either, it sucks. I feel you man.
Keep up the love man!
Keep up the writing!


Record that shit!
#4
that song has a very strong emotional tie wrpapped around it throughout, i can almost feel the pains that you've painted upon the words, you should def record it if you can, i bet there are alot of pepl that can relate, nice work
#5
Quote by hobozach
I wrote this for my gf, seeing as how she moved, its hard for us to see eachother, so this is for her, as in almost all of my pieces, the flow is how I want it, do NOT crit on the flow Will crit 4 crit

Verse
I sit alone in the dark
gazing at the wall
my mind races with thoughts
as my eyelids begin to fall
Great stanza, I like how you 'rhyme' thoughts with dark. My only criticism here is that the last line, 'as my eyelids begin to fall', sounds a bit pretentious. Try and elaborate on that.

praying to god
that we will meet again
and never have to say goodbye
This is good, but the last two lines sound a bit cliche to me.

hoping that
you'll come to me
so i can wipe the tears you've cried
Not as good as the first two, the last line seems forced, try and move the words around, or change it altogether.

Chorus
Broken by the distance
my love begins to fail
and can't be recieved this instance

Not a day goes by
that I don't regret
the day we had to say goodbye
The first half is better imo, the second is a bit cliche, still good though. I suggest changing the line 'that I don't regret', it damages the overall quality of that part imo.

Verse
I hold my breath
and close my eyes
and let my dreams
fill my head with white lies

Everyday we say
that "time heals all"
but what if your cure is far away?
The last line is a bit pretentious, it delivers but I don't like the manner in which it does.

What do I do
when you tells me to wait
but my will won't hold on any longer?

Chorus repeats

Bridge
the phrase
"I miss you"
is a byproduct of
lack of love
A bit of a change in writing style, this is my favourite stanza in this piece, the only problem I have with it is due to the sudden change in style I worry that when this stanza comes up during a prefomance it might end up sounding a bit amateurish. With the right music and vocal approach, though, it should sound great.

as if that
makes the pain
just float away
or vanish in the haze
I don't really get how this verse flows, but if its how you want it and it fits your song then I guess it's alright.

how I hate the days
when love
falls victim to greed

Chorus repeats


Hey man, thanks for the crit. This is a great piece, very emotional with lots of shining moments ( I especially love the 'I hold my breath and close my eyes' bit that whole verse was great, such simple wording yet it really delivers). I'm very interested in hearing it recorded.
Last edited by guitarkid12345 at Jul 15, 2007,
#6
I will definetly get this recorded, if u guys really think its that good, and I will get it out to u guys, thx for the crits
My guitars:

Ibanez RG5EX1
Eleca Dread Acoustic
Dean ML

My FX: Line 6 Floor POD Plus

In the end, fact means nothing,
its all about perspective
#7
The structure is a bit boring, you should try experimenting with the layout of the song. I'm not a big fan of love songs but this one is alright but quite cliched. Thanks for the crit on my song.
Raise your chalice my brother
Raise it high
To catch the fire that falls from the sky
#8
thanks for telling me what you thought of my poem=}

anyway. i love the concept and theme of your song..mainly because i understand 100% what you're going through. im going through the same thing and it has to be one of the hardest things to cope with. i dont particurally like the layout of your song. and i think you should try and reword things a bit. but i think a lot of people would like it because its simple, yet deep, and that is alwys a good thing. but overall, its pretty good. just remember babe, time doesnt heal wounds. love heals all wounds with time.
good luck=]
gabbieRAMONE <3
she's a renegade princess.


"I guess I can go anywhere I want. If only I knew where to go." -layne thomas staley.
#9
Yeah reallly awesome i loved every part of it, because also i can relate. Yous should record it for sure just one question what genre is it?? I thought it was very well written and would rate it a 10 out of 10 good job.

Crit 4 crit?
please crit my new piece.

Preditor
#10
I lost interest within the first verse.

It's so cliche that I can barely finish it, you wrote it for your girlfriend? Write her some poetry man, because this...it's too long for one, and it doesn't conveye any real emotion. Paint her a picture instead of just writing "lines." What you did here was you took a typical way of writing a "song." Most songwriters, usually and I mean good ones like Bob Dylan, Nick Drake, etc. etc. They will write poetry, just maybe some verse poetry or just freeform or anything and turn that into "lyrics."

You can't say, I want to write lyrics, you need to want to write poetry, you need to want to write art, lyrics are just when you put words to a song. You don't need to spell out chorus, or bridge, or anything like that, it's unnessecary. You'll only ever see that in the inset booklet for cds or lyrics websites.

Just, put some emotion in, and try writing outside the box otherwise it is just a typical thing, and nothing special. Make it come from the heart and not what you think you know about writing "lyrics."

There's my advice.
good luck
-matt-
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#11
I sit alone in the dark
gazing at the wall
my mind races with thoughts
as my eyelids begin to fall

Nice start, everything blends together well here.

praying to god
that we will meet again
and never have to say goodbye

hoping that
you'll come to me
so i can wipe the tears you've cried

I like this verse, its really set the story as it were up nicely.

Chorus
Broken by the distance
my love begins to fail
and can't be recieved this instance

Not a day goes by
that I don't regret
the day we had to say goodbye

I think you need to look into changing "distance - Instance" rhyme, I dont know, I just really don't like that last line in the first half of the chrous.

Verse
I hold my breath
and close my eyes
and let my dreams
fill my head with white lies

Everyday we say
that "time heals all"
but what if your cure is far away?

What do I do
when you tells me to wait
but my will won't hold on any longer?

I find it hard to really crit this part, i guess its something you'd just have to hear, i like the "cure is far away" line - hope it sounds good played!

Chorus repeats

Bridge
the phrase
"I miss you"
is a byproduct of
lack of love

Probably best lines of the piece.

as if that
makes the pain
just float away
or vanish in the haze

how I hate the days
when love
falls victim to greed

To conclude, I'l be honest I wasn't hugley impressed, but thats not to say it wasn't very good. It tells exactly what you want to your audience well - getting the point across. I think its hard to write a love song without cliche(s) but you've done a good job here. Little more work perhaps, but its nearly there. Good Stuff.
And Like That. He was Gone.

My Lyrics

Love
#12
Yeah I like it. The emotion is definitely there; if we were together I'd never leave you . Couple of things though, but nothing that hasn't already been mentioned. For example you may need to adjust the distance-instace rhyme just a lil bit. Also, I really like the line "but what if your cure was far away?", however I reckon it would be even better if you threw in a 'too' to make it "but what if your cure was too far away?". It's nothing huge, but it makes it more dramatic and its gives off even more emotion. "far away" says that something is far away from you but possible, "too far away" is saying that something is out of reach and impossible, if you get what i mean. It's much stronger. Just a small suggestion.

Anyway, it's some good work, so well done.

Keep it up
Simon


You look just your mother...

You look just like your father...

Forgive him our father...



Your Son is smiling...