#1
twirp twirp goes the bluebird.
his world of purples, reds, and greens.
here to tell us nothing is ever what it seems.

buzz buzz goes the humming bird.
oh, he just cant seem to quit dying.
dont they know he's already dead?

caw caw goes the crow.
flying through his seethrough flame.
tell me mister, is it cold enough for you?

tweet tweet goes the mama bird.
rugose, and shaking with fear.
hush, baby, she tells her nostalgic memories.
and then its all gone.

hoot hoot goes the owl, as he frowns upon his nocturnal slumber.
night after night, he pretends its alright.
soon his whole world turns grey.

blah blah goes the mockingbird
to those invidious around him.
his wound that never heals itself.
his lie that never fails.

goodbye, goodbye says the raven
for there is nothing left to say.
prepentency aint nothing once nailed to the ground.

life flies by
and death defies
all who chose to live
life with such shame.

WE ARE ALL THE SAME.


good? bad? yes?
gabbieRAMONE <3
she's a renegade princess.


"I guess I can go anywhere I want. If only I knew where to go." -layne thomas staley.
#2
Quote by rebelrebelx
twirp twirp goes the bluebird.
his world of purples, reds, and greens.
here to tell us nothing is ever what it seems.
really good writing. i'm sometimes a sucker for simple rhyming.

buzz buzz goes the humming bird.
oh, he just cant seem to quit dying.
dont they know he's already dead?
idk if it was intentional but the similar sounding words ("buzz", "hum", and "already", "dead") were a nice touch. thought you were gonna continue with the rhyme scheme of the first stanza, but hey, change is good..haha

caw caw goes the crow.
flying through his seethrough flame.
tell me mister, is it cold enough for you?
hmm, a change of tone here which makes me want to read more. it's helping the piece unfold.

tweet tweet goes the mama bird.
rugose, and shaking with fear.
hush, baby, she tells her nostalgic memories.
and then its all gone.
"hush, baby" should be in "". but no suggestions asides from that.

hoot hoot goes the owl, as he frowns upon his nocturnal slumber.
night after night, he pretends its alright.
soon his whole world turns grey.
brilliant.

blah blah interesting, well done goes the mockingbird
to those invidious around him.
his wound that never heals itself.
his lie that never fails.

goodbye, goodbye says the raven
for there is nothing left to say.
prepentency aint nothing once nailed to the ground.

life flies by
and death defies
all who chose to live
life with such shame.

WE ARE ALL THE SAME.
these three last stanzas are brilliant and i'm hopeless..can't think of anything that would improve it. don't particularly like the capitals but i'm a pedantic sod. well done on this, really well done.


the repition in this piece was effective, something that is hard to do, you pulled it off. the ending though .. i can't seem to fully appreciate , just because of the capitals. a little subtlety would've been nice. just keep it the same, and rid of the capitals. but overall..what a good piece. crit for crit and all that jaazzzz? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=628974
#3
This was a very good piece of poetry. I liked it very much, especially the beginning lines of all the stanzas, very interesting and creative. very good

crit 4 crit?
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its all about perspective
#4
thanks guys! anyone else for advise?
gabbieRAMONE <3
she's a renegade princess.


"I guess I can go anywhere I want. If only I knew where to go." -layne thomas staley.