#1
There's two versions of this I'm working on, I want to know which one you guys think is better and that I should put more work into:

Ver 1:

Parasitic Love
That leaves your heart dry
Stealing all your love
And makes you wanna die

And as the love is drained
You get nothing in return
Your living off of nothin
But the passion stays on burn

And soon enough your empty
With nothing left Inside
Because shes taken all your love
And inside, you have died


Ver 2:

Dieing on the inside
But living on the out
This is how I've lived my life
Ever since youve come about

And if the blood in all my veins
Was equal to my love
I'd be running on empty
Because my love, I've got none of


The parasite's alive
And feeding off my heart
Giving nothing in return
And I am falling apart


Keep in mind these are only rough drafts for the song ideas
I actually do have schizophrenia, so stop making fun of people who have it.

GEAR:
Boss ME-50
Silvertone Paul Stanley Apocalypse (modded)
Squier Affinity Strat (modded)
Italia Modulo 2
Fender Front 15G
#2
The first version was a little bit all the same. It felt like you said the same thing but with different words.
But the second one was really great! I'm sure you can make a good song out of this
#3
yeah, definetly the second one. and as Maffilito said ver.1 is the same material in different words, but ver.2 is quite good. nothing bad to say about it except make sure there's an awesome solo in it.
crit for crit? if you have time https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=622005
#4
Yeah, I took a look at it this morning and I see what you mean about the first version. I still have quite a ways of work on the 2nd one to make it to a level that I believe is good enough for a song.
I actually do have schizophrenia, so stop making fun of people who have it.

GEAR:
Boss ME-50
Silvertone Paul Stanley Apocalypse (modded)
Squier Affinity Strat (modded)
Italia Modulo 2
Fender Front 15G
#6
Quote by DefectedFromGod
Ver 1:

Parasitic Love
That leaves your heart dry
Stealing all your love
And makes you wanna die

Rhyming "love" with "love" here is pretty weak. Consider rewording it.

"And makes you wanna die" is also a bit blunt and forward.


And as the love is drained
You get nothing in return
Your living off of nothin
But the passion stays on burn

Reusing the word "nothing" here in two adjacent lines doesn't work for me, but the last two lines flow pretty nicely.

And soon enough your empty
With nothing left Inside
Because shes taken all your love
And inside, you have died

Again, you're just repeating "empty," "nothing inside," "taking all your love," and "die." It's overly-repetitive and kind of boring.


Ver 2:

Dieing on the inside
But living on the out
This is how I've lived my life
Ever since youve come about

Definitely an improvement. More variety and a bit of wordplay. A solid start.

And if the blood in all my veins
Was equal to my love
I'd be running on empty
Because my love, I've got none of

Looks nice at first glance, but really makes very little sense.

Blood = love, but you have no love, and thus no blood. Consider rewording, there's some good potential here.


The parasite's alive
And feeding off my heart
Giving nothing in return
And I am falling apart

Pretty solid. Try shortening the last line to either "And I'm falling apart," or "I am falling apart." In its current state, it just sounds a little too bloated and wordy for me.


Overall, I definitely preferred the second one. It had more variety and was just overall a step up from the first.
Quote by dudetheman
So what? I wasted like 5 minutes watching DaddyTwoFoot's avatar.


Metalheads are the worst thing that ever happened to metal.
#7
Hey, this is indiepistolgirl. You critiqued my song Clingy and now im criting your work back Anyway, you said in your crit that you couldn't hear a definite rhythm of the chorus in your head. I have a recording of the song (and a couple others) if you'd be interested in listening so you can see how the sound actually sounds. My music myspace is in my sig. Clingy's the last song on the playlist. Anyway, thanks for giving me your input on Clingy. Here I go.


...Am I really the only one here who prefers the 1st one?
I think it has considerably more potential for greatness than the 2nd.
Don't take this offensively, but I could tell you actually meant what you said in the 1st one. The 2nd one seemed to me as if you were listening to Second Hand Serenade and repeating some of the ideas in your own words; it didn't come off as you. It came off as "imitation artsy". The 1st one was honest, and it was real.

Don't get me wrong, you used some nice techniques in the 2nd one. Maybe you could take the 1st verse from the 2nd one and make it the 1st verse in the 1st one? I think it's the only part that is better than the parts of the 1st one. As previously stated, you're being yourself in the 1st one. In the 2nd one, you're just worried about being artsy.

Here's a full crit:

Parasitic Love
That leaves your heart dry
Stealing all your love
And makes you wanna die

My suggestion here? Take out "love" from the 3rd line and replace it with something that doesn't rhyme, but makes more sense. Nothing wrong with changing from ABAB to ABCB. I actually prefer the latter in this case by far. Also, one of your other critics got it right when he said "and makes you wanna die" is a bit too blunt. If I were you, I'd throw some more complicated elements into the verse to make it more interesting from the start. Ex.: "And sends you to the sky", either to say that you are happy, or to say that you're "dead", figuratively.

And as the love is drained
You get nothing in return
Your living off of nothin
But the passion stays on burn

This is what really makes the piece for me. Favorite verse, although the 3rd line needs to be changed. Possibly to "living off of hollow reason", but that's just my suggestion.

And soon enough your empty
With nothing left Inside
Because shes taken all your love
And inside, you have died

Hmm, this might need some work, because as previously stated, the ideas are a bit repetetive, but I can see where you're going with this. You should keep the same ideas in mind, but re-write it with (at least) some synonims, maybe even change some of the ideas up a bit to keep from repeating yourself. Maybe:

"And soon enough you're empty
With nothing left inside
A victim of vile thievery
She took your very life"

Anyway, thanks for critiquing my song Clingy. You have a lot of potential; just think your ideas through a little more and beef up the verses a bit more with flowery words and you're all set for emotional writing.


Peace.


ALEX