#1
This is my song for the summer comp. It's a song for Auals.
__________________________________________________________________

My footprints on the beach
As I shadow your shadow
And the last rays of summer
Give way to the moon

"Will I ever see him again, that man - Aiken Drum?"
"Will you ever see the stars again," you reply. "My son?"

I slip on velvet sand
My feet face the heavens
I stare now at the stars
And the light of the moon

"I see the stars, but no man. That man - Aiken Drum."
"It wasn't meant to be," you reply. "My son."

I place my own footprints
In the reclaimed summer sand
I pay my own tribute
To the way of the moon

"I still see no man. That man - Aiken Drum."
Now there is no reply. There is only the sun.
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#2
Well done hideaway it's really good. I like your change in mood from your normal posts.

Congratulations, keep it up

(Ps. I may be putting a new one up that you'll want to read)
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#3
Very cool . You should've won writer of the month.
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#4
Thanks for the crit on mine.

I like this.

Its short and sweet,
youve made that good.
and its not overly repeating.

i like the 1st verse it sets an image in my mind
of someone walking down the beach at sunset.

nice imagery.
#5
Thanks a lot. It's already in the summer comp, but if anyone has a good crit, I'll edit it.
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#6
This wsa good, it was simple in it's repetition and the imagry was very strong. The first time I read it the images were the strongest part, then afterwards the words set in. I really liked the phrase "In the reclaimed summer sand"

A very good peice overall, I really love how it was written so plainly, a lot of people write and it looks like they're doing it to be impressive but this was plain yet very striking. I like it a lot.
Quote by soccermom
Of course eating unbelievable amounts of anything can probably harm you, but i chose bananas because they look like willies.
#7
Thanks .
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#8
My footprints on the beach
As I shadow your shadow
And the last rays of summer
Give way to the moon

Great Start. I love the shadow line.


"Will I ever see him again, that man - Aiken Drum?"
"Will you ever see the stars again," you reply. "My son?"

The rhetorical question is awesome. Who is Aiken Drum though? A name you just made up?

I slip on velvet sand
My feet face the heavens
I stare now at the stars
And the light of the moon

I like this, just not the velvet bit. The fact that my ex-band was called Black Velvet may have something to do with it though...

"I see the stars, but no man. That man - Aiken Drum."
"It wasn't meant to be," you reply. "My son."

Great.

I place my own footprints
In the reclaimed summer sand
I pay my own tribute
To the way of the moon

I don't know for sure, but I think the third line would sound better starting with 'and'.

"I still see no man. That man - Aiken Drum."
Now there is no reply. There is only the sun.

Great ending.


This was really, really good. Almost flawless, as far as I can see.

I know you critted my last piece, and thanks, but as a favour, could you look at my other one? It's called Hollow. [in my sig] You said you preferred short pieces, and it is pretty short
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^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#9
Will do, snowblind . Actually Aiken Drum is a referrence to both the nursery rhyme "THe Man In The Moon" hence the title "And he played upon a ladle", as well as Auals. It's kind of hard to explain :P.
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#10
Awesome - like the reference with Aiken Drum!!! I don't really have enough experience to give any positive criticism all i can say is that it read well.

Any chance you can crit my 1st ever post "Distraction"
#11
I will as soon as possible. Will you leave me a link?
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do