#1
Here's a piece finally.
Tell me... am I still in a block?


I'd been found in a flood once before,
but I came out herringbone dry.
With a flatter line than the Arctic horizon,
and a deeper soul than the faultline dividing,
I had felt like I could walk amongst
the sea snails forever.

Then Summer came as an infernal wave,
tipping and toe-ing and taking it's time,
blowing it's whistle to speed things along.
Spreading kisses like dried cement,
and too self-righteous for it's own good.

It lifted me out of my algal residency,
where salt and salty sentiments
were what I brought into my lungs.
Where longitude and latitude
were the only blueprints that I needed
to build castles out of sand bars
and not-so-hidden treasure.

Until finally I choked. And since then
every Summer has made me wish
that maybe my hindsight wasn't 20/20.
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Jul 21, 2007,
#2
I love this. Really well chosen words, and the cadence is great. I love the techniques you use too, such as the alliterations I saw pop up a few times throughout. I'd say you're definitely out of your block, even though I'm pretty sure I never read anything from you "block" period, but this is fantastic. I feel cold when I read this for some reason, I don't know, but if you can evoke that kind of reaction I'd say you've succeeded Good work.
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
#3
thanks

I really wasn't sure about this piece. I'm glad that you like it.

I definitely need to leave you a crit though. Which piece do you want it on?
#4
i liked it too, doesnt look like your in much of a block to me. i really liked how you worded this except that in the 3rd-5th lines of the second stanza, none of those three lines seemed to flow well into the others and i felt that you needed to connect your ideas better at that part. also, although i liked the idea of the ending i think that if it were worded differantly it could be improved, but besides those minor things i liked it a lot
#5
Thanks sjada... I took some of your suggestions into consideration and made a couple of changes that I'm hoping will improve the flow. As far as the wording of the ending... if you're refering to the bluntness of it, that was intentional and it serves a purpose.

Thanks again.
#6
Bah, I know I owe you a serious crit, but I just don't think I have it in me for this one. I swear I'll hit you back when I've got some real words of advice to give, okay?
#7
Tiping and Toeing were my favorite lyrics.

Good job on the song though, I like the flow.
#8
WTW?!?!
(sorry for the belated act of surprise)

thanks everyone

and Ninja... don't worry about it... you can hit my next piece.
#10
^ Concurred.

Good stuff.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#12
Quote by bassbeat77
thanks

I really wasn't sure about this piece. I'm glad that you like it.

I definitely need to leave you a crit though. Which piece do you want it on?


Whichever you can say the most about Congrats on WOTW by the way, well deserved!
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
#14
I love it all, its great and most of all it makes my piece look like rubbish. Which to be fair it is lol Anyway good use of pretty much everything the only critical thing is hard to find and is simply dammit why won't you let us critisize you. Its perfect well done!!! I know that wasn't really very critical but can you crit myn? Thanks!
O Hai der.